How Weird is Too Weird?
Sexpert,
I have been with my boyfriend for about six months. Everything is going great and I really care about him a lot. Lately though he has been starting to hint that he has a less than a vanilla agenda for our sex life. I'm not a prude or anything but there are some things I don't care to do. For example nipple pinching and ass slapping. Am I letting my traditional mindset wreck a good thing? Or should I end it so he can find someone who actually enjoys this weird shit?
- Whats Wrong With Vanilla?
Vanilla,
I sympathize with you. Its hard to find a good guy out here! Now you think you found one but here comes unexpected deal breaking behaviors on the horizon... ?
The situations and objects that each individual finds sexually arousing are all unique because our intro to sex looked differently. Sexual interests are like snowflakes but they can be explained by Behavioral Theory. For example, if you think of Pavlov's dogs. This was a famous experiment where a scientist named Pavlov (1849 -1936) rang a bell every time he fed his dogs until pretty soon the dogs were salivating at only the sound of the bell. Our sexual triggers work similarly - by associations in our brain. Our brain waits for "the bell" to tell us what situations are the most arousing and likely to bring us the most pleasure. What rings your bells and makes you salivate Vanilla?
Freud (in the 1900's) was the first to theorize that our experiences in early childhood had a profound effect on our view of the world as adults especially in the areas of sexual preferences. Alfred Binet (in the 1940's) was the first to discuss fetishes in terms of individuals making mental/spiritual associations between objects/situations that would result in sexual arousal. Object Relations Theory (developed in the 1920's) is useful to psychology in explaining the importance objects have in our lives because of what they represent to us or about us.
Object Relations Theory was explained to me with this example: when you bump your car into a curb you might say "ouch!" because your car is an extension of you in that moment. If someone snatches your phone out of your hand you might spazz out worse than if they broke your teapot because your phone is part of you. Objects this important to our well being are called "personal objects". As children they are usually our blankies or teddy bears. This theory is what explains why we hang onto sentimental items in memory boxes, why possessions can be status symbols, and how our relationships to items themselves can pathologically evolve into hoarding. Some times this can look sexual.
Binet, whether he meant to or not, was describing just this in his explanation of fetishism: personal objects that we make a sexual connection with. "Paraphilia" is the word used to describe the sexual attraction to objects themselves. This can appear bizarre but is currently not a diagnosable condition. It once was decades ago. Some people get off to the sound of balloons popping. Actually ... probably more people than we know about!
I would argue paraphilias also come in your flavor too Vanilla; often in ways we don't always consciously think about. Just wonder for a moment, why do those who poll dance athletically dress differently than those who do it to earn tips at a gentleman's club? They both look equally attractive. They are dressed and differently to convey a different message. Legwarmers versus thigh-highs set a different tone and place the onlooker in a different mindset.
The most intimate activity we can partake in with our sexual partners, dearest Vanilla, is talking. If you're ready, find our why nipple pinching and ass slapping turn him on so much. Maybe it will demystify and un-weird the situation for you to learn of its origins in his life. Maybe it will force him to further examine his behavior because he has never thought of it as "weird." The reason fetishism was once a diagnoses in prior eras was due to the fact that it can be the result of childhood sexual abuse or previous dysfunctional sexual relationships. That is not to say that a fetish is automatically the result of a trauma. Communication is key to a relationship that thrives, however Vanilla. It sounds like the invitation to get deeper into his freaky world as well as into his head has been extended to you. Are you ready to dive on in?
If you do, most of all, give him a break and don't judge. He isn't a pervert or a weirdo for liking the things he likes because the process by which he came to enjoy them was the same as the process by which you came to enjoy the things you like. We are all human. As long as his wants and desires aren't taking center stage over yours Vanilla, are they really so bad? Work out a balanced system of reciprocity between the two of you so that your sexual buffet may be full of both of your favorites. 15 ass smacks for 15 minutes in missionary? NOTHING is wrong with Vanilla.
Whatever your flavor I wish you much happiness,
- The Sexpert
I have been with my boyfriend for about six months. Everything is going great and I really care about him a lot. Lately though he has been starting to hint that he has a less than a vanilla agenda for our sex life. I'm not a prude or anything but there are some things I don't care to do. For example nipple pinching and ass slapping. Am I letting my traditional mindset wreck a good thing? Or should I end it so he can find someone who actually enjoys this weird shit?
- Whats Wrong With Vanilla?
Vanilla,
I sympathize with you. Its hard to find a good guy out here! Now you think you found one but here comes unexpected deal breaking behaviors on the horizon... ?
The situations and objects that each individual finds sexually arousing are all unique because our intro to sex looked differently. Sexual interests are like snowflakes but they can be explained by Behavioral Theory. For example, if you think of Pavlov's dogs. This was a famous experiment where a scientist named Pavlov (1849 -1936) rang a bell every time he fed his dogs until pretty soon the dogs were salivating at only the sound of the bell. Our sexual triggers work similarly - by associations in our brain. Our brain waits for "the bell" to tell us what situations are the most arousing and likely to bring us the most pleasure. What rings your bells and makes you salivate Vanilla?
Freud (in the 1900's) was the first to theorize that our experiences in early childhood had a profound effect on our view of the world as adults especially in the areas of sexual preferences. Alfred Binet (in the 1940's) was the first to discuss fetishes in terms of individuals making mental/spiritual associations between objects/situations that would result in sexual arousal. Object Relations Theory (developed in the 1920's) is useful to psychology in explaining the importance objects have in our lives because of what they represent to us or about us.
Object Relations Theory was explained to me with this example: when you bump your car into a curb you might say "ouch!" because your car is an extension of you in that moment. If someone snatches your phone out of your hand you might spazz out worse than if they broke your teapot because your phone is part of you. Objects this important to our well being are called "personal objects". As children they are usually our blankies or teddy bears. This theory is what explains why we hang onto sentimental items in memory boxes, why possessions can be status symbols, and how our relationships to items themselves can pathologically evolve into hoarding. Some times this can look sexual. Binet, whether he meant to or not, was describing just this in his explanation of fetishism: personal objects that we make a sexual connection with. "Paraphilia" is the word used to describe the sexual attraction to objects themselves. This can appear bizarre but is currently not a diagnosable condition. It once was decades ago. Some people get off to the sound of balloons popping. Actually ... probably more people than we know about! I would argue paraphilias also come in your flavor too Vanilla; often in ways we don't always consciously think about. Just wonder for a moment, why do those who poll dance athletically dress differently than those who do it to earn tips at a gentleman's club? They both look equally attractive. They are dressed and differently to convey a different message. Legwarmers versus thigh-highs set a different tone and place the onlooker in a different mindset.
High heels and lingerie have got to be the most common paraphilia alive and well in this world today. There are some things that just scream SEX to us Vanilla! We can't always explain why but some how we were conditioned like a Pavlovian dog to make these associations.
The most intimate activity we can partake in with our sexual partners, dearest Vanilla, is talking. If you're ready, find our why nipple pinching and ass slapping turn him on so much. Maybe it will demystify and un-weird the situation for you to learn of its origins in his life. Maybe it will force him to further examine his behavior because he has never thought of it as "weird." The reason fetishism was once a diagnoses in prior eras was due to the fact that it can be the result of childhood sexual abuse or previous dysfunctional sexual relationships. That is not to say that a fetish is automatically the result of a trauma. Communication is key to a relationship that thrives, however Vanilla. It sounds like the invitation to get deeper into his freaky world as well as into his head has been extended to you. Are you ready to dive on in?If you do, most of all, give him a break and don't judge. He isn't a pervert or a weirdo for liking the things he likes because the process by which he came to enjoy them was the same as the process by which you came to enjoy the things you like. We are all human. As long as his wants and desires aren't taking center stage over yours Vanilla, are they really so bad? Work out a balanced system of reciprocity between the two of you so that your sexual buffet may be full of both of your favorites. 15 ass smacks for 15 minutes in missionary? NOTHING is wrong with Vanilla.
Whatever your flavor I wish you much happiness,
- The Sexpert
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