The Politics of Cheating
Dear Sexpert,
You're familiar with the cliche "Once a cheater always a cheater"? Do you think there is truth to the belief that if he cheated on her he will cheat on you too? I have a lot of feelings for my boyfriend who is about to leave his wife for me. My friends think I am stupid but I think our relationship is better than the one he had with his wife. I hope you can tell me if its possible for people to change.
- Legit Other Woman
Excellent Question LOW,
I blame Sex and The City for setting an unrealistic expectation for us single girls. If you are focused on your career and then as a result single (like our heroines on the show), chances are you are rubbing shoulders with other chronically single folk as part of your dating pool. Minneapolis has less bars then Manhattan, I'm afraid, and I know I'm sick of running into the same people weekend after weekend. I have a short list of clubs and bars I no longer wish to frequent those whom I have decided to avoid.
... Sorry that was my own single girl rant... back to cheating though....
Carrie and Big... Ok, she tames all his bad boy behaviors after years and years of ups and downs and putting up with all of his bullshit - in the end she gets the penthouse and the perfect wedding present like she'd been dreaming of for the last 7 years. Which is terrible for women like us to see... it puts the message in our mind, "If I hang on long enough he will change and I will get the happy ending."
But what does it mean to "hang on" LOW? The fact is some times we know we have our legitimate reasons for being single, (mine is being in class rather than on blind dates every night after work,) but for the guys out there in the same single boat... some times they don't have their legitimate reasons at all - they're bad seeds full of unboyfriendworthy habits: disrespectful, unkempt, broke, and rude. Mr. Big might have pulled things together and made an honest woman out of Carrie in the end, but Mr. Big was fictional. Don't we all deserve better than some selfish unchanging pain in the ass man? Then other times, these men are not single at all....
The reason men cheat is because they can. It helps them feel like men. Therein lies our first complex subtopic in the issue of cheating: our culture's definition of manhood. Surely, you have heard about the thrill of conquest LOW? When men fail to see women as people but as targets, trophies, or as prizes, well .. then why stop at only one? For many men, the act of convincing a woman to sleep with them is how they gain any self-worth at all. This code of "manliness" was exemplified by the character Jacob Palmer in the film Crazy Stupid Love.
Fashion, wealth, confidence, swagger, and a master of seduction Jacob tells his middle-aged divorcing, heart broken acquaintance that he no longer is manly. Why is it that some men have such a fear of sleeping alone? The monogamy fearing men in my own life tell me that committed relationships feel like having their balls cut off.
Wendy Shalit, author of A Return to Modesty (1999), criticizes the "Free Love" and Feminist movements for their publicizing the fact that women enjoy sex. Her argument is that women themselves are to blame for rape culture and the skyrocketing number of broken families because a woman who likes sex doesn't have a reason to say no. This got me all kinds of angry LOW!
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Women have plenty of legitimate reasons to say no to sexual advances beyond the physiological FACT we enjoy having sex! Fuck Wendy Shalit.... but her viewpoint is a good segway for mine: Feminism gave women a chance at an identity beyond what they could gain through a man. Before it was cool to be an independent woman, you were someone's wife, someone's widow, someone's mom, someone's school teacher, someone's crazy cat lady neighbor perhaps... but not simply a woman... Today is different. I can own my own car, pay my own utility bill, and dress how I want! What feminism had failed to do for far too long was give men an evolved identity to match their empowered female counterpart. Does banging everything that can walk in stilettos make up for a perceived loss of power?
There are people out there plotting social movements designed to help men find a better definitions of manliness than simply being swagger hounds!
An anonymous author in the April, 2010 issue of Esquire magazine has this to say this about cheating, "If you cheat, you must believe this much: that fated love is a lie, and monogamous love a deception. If you cheat, these two sentiments are your guiding light." He goes on to describe his "rules" of cheating that allow him to continue having a happy marriage - without his wife finding out. He states that his wife, his family, his household, are all well cared for and well loved because he believes those two things to be true regardless of his secret extramarital trysts. Reading this article was honestly chilling for me... I guess trust and honesty have always been part of my own definition of love. What do you think LOW? I think what makes cheating cheating is the 'trying to get away with it' part. Intimacy (again, by my own personal definition) places trust and honesty in much bigger roles than it does monogamy.
What about you LOW? Are you one of those wives who would rather not know about a woman who means nothing? Or do you desire to be the kind of partner with whom your mate can share everything with - even when its hard to hear? What about your boyfriend LOW? Does his reason for cheating extend to his very definition and views on the role of love in his life? Because then, dear friend, I doubt he has changed his fundamental philosophies. Not even for you. Not even if you're worth leaving a marriage over, darling.
Some come from cultures or families where infidelity was more accepted. A friend of mine raised in another country was always regaling me with stories of male relatives and friends walking out on their wives. Talking to her about our romantic interests during the years we were close, it became clear to me she had an entirely different view of love and marriage than what I was used to. When I inquired about the origins of this difference she informed me that her grandparents had been polygamists and in her country this was only made illegal a few years ago. To this day it isn't uncommon for men in that country to take on a mistress (or two) to get around the laws. Polygamy is still legal in some parts of the world as well as arranged marriages being common in others. Here in the U.S. intercultural marriages are more common than ever! Which makes me wonder how often both partners are entering into the union with an understanding of their unique expectations of marriage. What is each partner's definition of love? Even in cultures where infidelity isn't the norm if it is something that took place in your own family as a child it could have deeply impacted your views on love and fidelity from the time you were small.
So LOW, my advice to you is to find out these things about your mate:
*Does he find cheating fundamentally wrong?
*Does he believe in the value of fidelity and monogamy as an extension of it?
*How honest and trustworthy do you believe him to be?
*Can he show himself to have integrity in tempting situations? Is he often approached by women?
*Does he enjoy the thrill of the chase or risky situations in general?
And seriously, girl, the cards aren't in his favor. Go ahead and put him through the wringer because the most accurate predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Sorry. That's just the truth.
Maybe marriage number two will do the trick for him,
- The Sexpert
You're familiar with the cliche "Once a cheater always a cheater"? Do you think there is truth to the belief that if he cheated on her he will cheat on you too? I have a lot of feelings for my boyfriend who is about to leave his wife for me. My friends think I am stupid but I think our relationship is better than the one he had with his wife. I hope you can tell me if its possible for people to change.
- Legit Other Woman
Excellent Question LOW,
I blame Sex and The City for setting an unrealistic expectation for us single girls. If you are focused on your career and then as a result single (like our heroines on the show), chances are you are rubbing shoulders with other chronically single folk as part of your dating pool. Minneapolis has less bars then Manhattan, I'm afraid, and I know I'm sick of running into the same people weekend after weekend. I have a short list of clubs and bars I no longer wish to frequent those whom I have decided to avoid.
... Sorry that was my own single girl rant... back to cheating though....
Carrie and Big... Ok, she tames all his bad boy behaviors after years and years of ups and downs and putting up with all of his bullshit - in the end she gets the penthouse and the perfect wedding present like she'd been dreaming of for the last 7 years. Which is terrible for women like us to see... it puts the message in our mind, "If I hang on long enough he will change and I will get the happy ending."
But what does it mean to "hang on" LOW? The fact is some times we know we have our legitimate reasons for being single, (mine is being in class rather than on blind dates every night after work,) but for the guys out there in the same single boat... some times they don't have their legitimate reasons at all - they're bad seeds full of unboyfriendworthy habits: disrespectful, unkempt, broke, and rude. Mr. Big might have pulled things together and made an honest woman out of Carrie in the end, but Mr. Big was fictional. Don't we all deserve better than some selfish unchanging pain in the ass man? Then other times, these men are not single at all....
The reason men cheat is because they can. It helps them feel like men. Therein lies our first complex subtopic in the issue of cheating: our culture's definition of manhood. Surely, you have heard about the thrill of conquest LOW? When men fail to see women as people but as targets, trophies, or as prizes, well .. then why stop at only one? For many men, the act of convincing a woman to sleep with them is how they gain any self-worth at all. This code of "manliness" was exemplified by the character Jacob Palmer in the film Crazy Stupid Love.
Fashion, wealth, confidence, swagger, and a master of seduction Jacob tells his middle-aged divorcing, heart broken acquaintance that he no longer is manly. Why is it that some men have such a fear of sleeping alone? The monogamy fearing men in my own life tell me that committed relationships feel like having their balls cut off.
Wendy Shalit, author of A Return to Modesty (1999), criticizes the "Free Love" and Feminist movements for their publicizing the fact that women enjoy sex. Her argument is that women themselves are to blame for rape culture and the skyrocketing number of broken families because a woman who likes sex doesn't have a reason to say no. This got me all kinds of angry LOW!
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Women have plenty of legitimate reasons to say no to sexual advances beyond the physiological FACT we enjoy having sex! Fuck Wendy Shalit.... but her viewpoint is a good segway for mine: Feminism gave women a chance at an identity beyond what they could gain through a man. Before it was cool to be an independent woman, you were someone's wife, someone's widow, someone's mom, someone's school teacher, someone's crazy cat lady neighbor perhaps... but not simply a woman... Today is different. I can own my own car, pay my own utility bill, and dress how I want! What feminism had failed to do for far too long was give men an evolved identity to match their empowered female counterpart. Does banging everything that can walk in stilettos make up for a perceived loss of power?
There are people out there plotting social movements designed to help men find a better definitions of manliness than simply being swagger hounds!
An anonymous author in the April, 2010 issue of Esquire magazine has this to say this about cheating, "If you cheat, you must believe this much: that fated love is a lie, and monogamous love a deception. If you cheat, these two sentiments are your guiding light." He goes on to describe his "rules" of cheating that allow him to continue having a happy marriage - without his wife finding out. He states that his wife, his family, his household, are all well cared for and well loved because he believes those two things to be true regardless of his secret extramarital trysts. Reading this article was honestly chilling for me... I guess trust and honesty have always been part of my own definition of love. What do you think LOW? I think what makes cheating cheating is the 'trying to get away with it' part. Intimacy (again, by my own personal definition) places trust and honesty in much bigger roles than it does monogamy.
What about you LOW? Are you one of those wives who would rather not know about a woman who means nothing? Or do you desire to be the kind of partner with whom your mate can share everything with - even when its hard to hear? What about your boyfriend LOW? Does his reason for cheating extend to his very definition and views on the role of love in his life? Because then, dear friend, I doubt he has changed his fundamental philosophies. Not even for you. Not even if you're worth leaving a marriage over, darling.
Some say evolution has resulted in modern man enjoying sexual variety to maximize his seed on the earth. **cough cough** I'm no biologist... but that sounds like bullshit. I think the anonymous cheating husband I quoted had more of a moral compass than the scientists promoting that theory. Some men DO value fidelity. Some don't. Some women do and don't just the same way. Men also cheat because they're unhappy. Certainly marriages don't dissolve the moment you realize there is better opportunity out there for you, and the path out can be sticky. I get it. One thing to remember is women are attracted to men of status and influence. If you think your mate falls in that category... well then a lot of other women will be attracted to him besides you and his opportunities to stray will be many (think athletes and politicians). Research shows that men who enjoy risk taking are also more predisposed to cheating.
So LOW, my advice to you is to find out these things about your mate:
*Does he find cheating fundamentally wrong?
*Does he believe in the value of fidelity and monogamy as an extension of it?
*How honest and trustworthy do you believe him to be?
*Can he show himself to have integrity in tempting situations? Is he often approached by women?
*Does he enjoy the thrill of the chase or risky situations in general?
And seriously, girl, the cards aren't in his favor. Go ahead and put him through the wringer because the most accurate predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Sorry. That's just the truth.
Maybe marriage number two will do the trick for him,
- The Sexpert
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