Three Way or No Way?
Sexpert,
- To Ménage or Not
Dearest TMON,
That is quite the pickle! Some would say a problem that is good to
have ;)
From what you say about "having never developed feelings for her"
it is safe to glean that should you take her up on her amorous offer
she would fall under the category of a "friend with benefits"? You
don't see yourself in a future with her, developing feelings for her, or prying her away from her boyfriend, correct? Many of us have
entered into relationships where sex is the only goal. A study of
1,000 college students in 2008 yielded some interesting facts and
statistics about FWB relationships.
FWB's most often occur in young adulthood while friends are dating multiple people and open to the idea of finding The One... but perhaps not wanting to put all their egg in one basket. Of those 1,000 college survey responders, 82% of FWB's said they
ascribed to the philosophy of Hedonism - or doing what feels good
because it feels good. Realists (or non-romantics) are those
that don't believe that finding your soul mate is a once in a life
time opportunity. They were also more likely than their fairy tale
believing counterparts to participate in FWB relationships. This
group of FWB responders also said that they recognized sex to be
a separate entity than love. People who are OK with FWB
relationships tend to have a more pragmatic view of love and less
often view it as a powerful redeeming force in the universe. Other
factors that influence one's view of this type of relationship is their
age, culture, and their career focus. Those who stated their main
goal in life was financial security were more likely to be involved
in FWB connections than those who were marriage minded.
John Grohol, Psy. D is the CEO and founder of Psych Central. He believes these FWB relationships to be less than authentic. He states, "I believe many do so [not have intimate emotions from their sexual partner] only outwardly. Inside, perhaps unconsciously, they still feel the connection they’re making through sex. Because sex is more than just a physical act of pleasure. It strips us, if just for a moment, of all of our social masks, and bares our physical desires (and some might argue, our souls) to the other person. While men may deny that happens, I can’t help but believe it does. Maybe not in everyone, but I think in more men than research shows." This might be just the sentimental view of sex that has hedonists and realists shaking their heads and making barfing noises behind Dr. John's back.
Anyway, TMON what is YOUR view of sex and love? Where is your comfort level in keeping emotions out of this escapade? Threesomes are most often casual encounters that don't occur on the regular for the parties involved, but did you know the term "Menage a Trois" originally referred to a polyamorous household? Do you think her seductive offer was to lure you into a more permanent role in their relationship TMON? There is actually a well connected polyamorous community in the city I live in. It is a lifestyle choice opposed to the monogamous confines that exist within a monogamous society. If you choose to read the linked article you will see this lifestyle is not without its challenges and has been the root of much controversy lately. Currently, living in a multi-partnered household provides you and your children little protection in matters of custody and can even give the state reason enough to place kids in foster care! I wouldn't let your hedonism get the better of you in the short-term TMON. Its a choice not to be made lightly because it could lay much consequence and complication to your future should you later regret it. .... but you know multi-partnered couples are as old as human existence itself!?
Another piece of your letter that catches me, TMON, is that while you know this girl and her intentions the third piece to this puzzle is a mystery to you. Is HE (the boyfriend) nice enough? Will you develop strong feelings for HIM (or he you)? SHE is attracted to you but is HE? HER desires are known to you but what will he really be thinking if you show up at his house ready to have sex with his girlfriend? It wouldn't be a bad idea to yellow light this offer and take your time to make sure you know the temperature of the pool before diving on in. Because an interesting and rather contradictory finding in the FWB study I mentioned earlier, is that those who participated in FWB relationships were more likely to categorize themselves as "The Jealous Type." If you talk to anyone who embraces the poly lifestyle they will be the first to tell you about jealousy being a constant factor and daily occurrence for them and their partners - but one that they learn to work through by using honesty and communication to its full potential.
In deciding how much to involve yourself with this randy pair down the street I hope you are honest with yourself about your ability to chew that which it is you decide to bite off.
Wishing you well on your trifecta,
- The Sexpert
I want to ask your advice on threesomes. I went out with this girl a couple times a few months back; she was nice enough but I never developed feelings for her. I was surprised to learn she moved in with her boyfriend a month ago - DOWN THE STREET! While making polite conversation and finally catching up our talk took a turn. I learned her boyfriend and she were open to inviting others into their bedroom. Apparently she is still quite attracted to me and she made her desires well known. This is new territory. I don't know if I should run and hide or jump at this chance? When am I going to get another opportunity for a threesome?
Help?
Dearest TMON,
That is quite the pickle! Some would say a problem that is good to
have ;)
From what you say about "having never developed feelings for her"
it is safe to glean that should you take her up on her amorous offer
she would fall under the category of a "friend with benefits"? You
don't see yourself in a future with her, developing feelings for her, or prying her away from her boyfriend, correct? Many of us have
entered into relationships where sex is the only goal. A study of
1,000 college students in 2008 yielded some interesting facts and
statistics about FWB relationships.
FWB's most often occur in young adulthood while friends are dating multiple people and open to the idea of finding The One... but perhaps not wanting to put all their egg in one basket. Of those 1,000 college survey responders, 82% of FWB's said they
ascribed to the philosophy of Hedonism - or doing what feels good
because it feels good. Realists (or non-romantics) are those
that don't believe that finding your soul mate is a once in a life
time opportunity. They were also more likely than their fairy tale
believing counterparts to participate in FWB relationships. This
group of FWB responders also said that they recognized sex to be
a separate entity than love. People who are OK with FWB
relationships tend to have a more pragmatic view of love and less
often view it as a powerful redeeming force in the universe. Other
factors that influence one's view of this type of relationship is their
age, culture, and their career focus. Those who stated their main
goal in life was financial security were more likely to be involved
in FWB connections than those who were marriage minded.
 |
| Is sex just a result of our animal instincts? |
John Grohol, Psy. D is the CEO and founder of Psych Central. He believes these FWB relationships to be less than authentic. He states, "I believe many do so [not have intimate emotions from their sexual partner] only outwardly. Inside, perhaps unconsciously, they still feel the connection they’re making through sex. Because sex is more than just a physical act of pleasure. It strips us, if just for a moment, of all of our social masks, and bares our physical desires (and some might argue, our souls) to the other person. While men may deny that happens, I can’t help but believe it does. Maybe not in everyone, but I think in more men than research shows." This might be just the sentimental view of sex that has hedonists and realists shaking their heads and making barfing noises behind Dr. John's back.
Anyway, TMON what is YOUR view of sex and love? Where is your comfort level in keeping emotions out of this escapade? Threesomes are most often casual encounters that don't occur on the regular for the parties involved, but did you know the term "Menage a Trois" originally referred to a polyamorous household? Do you think her seductive offer was to lure you into a more permanent role in their relationship TMON? There is actually a well connected polyamorous community in the city I live in. It is a lifestyle choice opposed to the monogamous confines that exist within a monogamous society. If you choose to read the linked article you will see this lifestyle is not without its challenges and has been the root of much controversy lately. Currently, living in a multi-partnered household provides you and your children little protection in matters of custody and can even give the state reason enough to place kids in foster care! I wouldn't let your hedonism get the better of you in the short-term TMON. Its a choice not to be made lightly because it could lay much consequence and complication to your future should you later regret it. .... but you know multi-partnered couples are as old as human existence itself!?
Another piece of your letter that catches me, TMON, is that while you know this girl and her intentions the third piece to this puzzle is a mystery to you. Is HE (the boyfriend) nice enough? Will you develop strong feelings for HIM (or he you)? SHE is attracted to you but is HE? HER desires are known to you but what will he really be thinking if you show up at his house ready to have sex with his girlfriend? It wouldn't be a bad idea to yellow light this offer and take your time to make sure you know the temperature of the pool before diving on in. Because an interesting and rather contradictory finding in the FWB study I mentioned earlier, is that those who participated in FWB relationships were more likely to categorize themselves as "The Jealous Type." If you talk to anyone who embraces the poly lifestyle they will be the first to tell you about jealousy being a constant factor and daily occurrence for them and their partners - but one that they learn to work through by using honesty and communication to its full potential.
In deciding how much to involve yourself with this randy pair down the street I hope you are honest with yourself about your ability to chew that which it is you decide to bite off.
Wishing you well on your trifecta,
- The Sexpert
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