Problems With the Plumbing?

OK I have a question ...

My boyfriend and I are having sex  and we are very much in love, but I have noticed that he has a hard time getting and keeping an erection. He is 28. He is always in the mood, just like me, but its very hard to get him erect and maintain it. I have given head, done lots of foreplay, stripped, everything! When he can get one and maintain it, its amazing but it never lasts very long, he cums fast, but its still great.  I think he gets frustrated that he has this issue, but we have never actually discussed it. Do you think he doesn't find me attractive? Is it something I'm doing?

Yours,

Not Hard For Me

Dearest NHFM,

That sounds so frustrating for the both of you!  You have the dream boat but he can't take you on the voyage to Cloud 9...  

I'd be interested to know how long you guys have been together? ... and how long THIS has been an issue?  Could it be nerves? Has something in his life changed to stress him out?  If you read what I wrote about female orgasms, erections for men can work similarly.   Its easy to stereotype women as emotional and sexually mysterious and men as one button start microwave ovens... but the truth is if he's not in the right place mentally he is going to struggle with his performance physically.  

Don't be so quick to blame yourself... it sounds like you're more than willing to "do your part" to help him out!  I would really encourage you to talk to him, however awkward it may be, about what has been going on.  Maybe there is something he really likes that you don't know about yet or he has been too embarrassed to ask!  I would just be careful to ask in a way that doesn't exacerbate the stress and frustration he may be feeling already. Those feelings are the worst enemies of erections.

He very well could have a medical problem as well.  Erections need a certain amount of circulation and blood flow to be maintained... at 28 he shouldn't be able to attribute his struggle to old age.  If this problem is plaguing you two more than 25% of the time it is considered Erectile Dysfunction.  Common causes of E.D. can include diabetes, high blood pressure, hormonal imbalance, heart problems, thyroid problems, some medications, nerve damage, drug abuse, or spinal injuries.  However, emotional distress or discomfort is a common cause of E.D. as well.  The physical causes are more common in older men.  One way to differentiate between emotional or physical dysfunction is with a simple night time test.

Most men have an average of three erections a night while they are sleeping.  Stress free and completely unaware of what may be going on downstairs, if your man is medically healthy these nighttime boners should not have stopped.  If you were a Sex and the City fan you might remember when Charlotte put a piece of paper around Trey McDougal's penis before he falls asleep because she is distraught when he stops having sex with her. Maybe you could encourage your boyfriend to try something similar NHFM?  Again, this is all about the finesse you address this issue with.  He could walk away from that conversation with the idea that you are fed up with his inadequate performance... or that you care enough about him and enjoy sex with him so much that you want to make sure he is alright.

Most erectile dysfunction is often accompanied by premature ejaculation (ejaculating in less than 2 minutes after penetration).  Kinsey's study in the 1940's found that 3/4 of men have done this - modern studies say the average time a man can last during intercourse ages 18-30 is only 6.5 minutes anyway ...  Both E.D. and P.E. are extremely common problems actually ... its just when they're ongoing they could be indicative of more serious problems either your relationship or with his health. Ongoing premature ejaculation can be treated with medication, most that will attempt to numb the penis or cease serotonin reuptake (Serotonin being the neurotransmitter in your brain responsible for allowing you to orgasm).  However, there is a home remedy that I think might be more useful for you both.

One is to make sure he is relaxed!  Often men flex or work their muscles during sex; if he is doing this with his abs he is more likely to cum quickly.  Why not treat him to a massage and tell him to focus on letting go of all his anxiety, then when you're ready - hop on top?  Men can also train themselves to last longer using the notorious "Start-Stop Method."  This is where he jerks off right up until the point he's about to ejaculate but then stops.  It sounds like torture, but he will be giving himself a kinetic lesson in self-control.  The purpose of this exercise is to teach him relaxation and comfort during the plateau stage of intercourse so he can spend more time there.  He can incorporate your services into these exercises too!  Once he's mastered it on his own he can use your hand instead of his own, then your mouth, then ...  you get it right, NHFM?

If you truly are "very much in love" as you say then a simple conversation about your wanting to be a part of the solution to this problem is a must.   He's probably embarrassed and that embarrassment is only making this problem worse!  He'd probably love to hear that you think he's great in bed and you just want it more - if for no other reason but to make sure he's healthy!

You can do it!

- The Sexpert