Backdoor Blues... All about Anal Sex
Dear Sexpert,
I love my boyfriend. I love having sex with him... and we've done a lot of new things together for both of us and its been amazing! However, he loves having anal sex... and I am less than thrilled. I could save it for special occasions like his birthday or something but that makes me feel like a weird stereotype or something. Other girls like it - is there a way I could learn to like it?
Yours,
Shy Bum
Dearest Shy Bum,
You sound like a great girlfriend! You really want to make your boyfriend happy, unfortunately darling not everyone likes the same things (or else we would be living in a perfect world, right?)! Personally, I tend to side with you ... Anal sex is not everyone's cup of tea.
So, why do people like it?
The rectum has a high concentration of nerve endings! Just as many as genitals and therefore is considered an erogenous zone. It is in close proximity to the prostate gland, for men. For women anal insertion can stimulate the g-spot as well. The rectum is controlled by your PC muscles (the same muscles as the gentials) so naturally releasing the tension stored in these muscles is pleasurable - as you already know if you have ever had an orgasm ;) Anal insertion can intensify that experience or bring about a new sensation to it. For the partner doing the insertion, well they like it because the anus is a very tight opening :) While this is not everyone's cup of tea, there are many reasons one might enjoy going through with anal sex.
Some people enjoy any type of sexual taboo. So while anal sex might not be the hellfire and brimstone provoking act it once was... as recent as 1986, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that states had the power to uphold sodomy laws if they wanted to. EVERY state had some sort of law prohibiting entering the back door until Illinois was the first state to repeal such a law in 1961. Historically, these laws were in place as a way to oppress the gay community - making acts within the gay male sexual repertoire arrestable offenses with punishments ranging from 1 - 15 years imprisonment! Hugh Heffner provided advocacy and considerable funds to those suffering penalties from breaking laws regarding "deviant" sexual behavior. Thanks Heff! Today, only 10 states outlaw anal sex. There are 4 states that outlaw anal sex only between gay partners.
Freud gave attention to anal sex in his theory of psychosexual development. In brief, this theory serves to explain how childhood experiences of physical sensation translate into sexual desires in our adult lives. Freud opined that the anal stage of development occurred around 18 months to 3 years old while a child is potty training. A child is learning control over their anus as a means of pleasing their parents (authority). Freud thought complexes existed when someone would get "stuck" in a stage of their development, perhaps due to an unresolved conflict. Freud described those with an "anal complex" as being obsessed with control, perfection, and cleanliness. Perhaps this ancient theory is one explanation for why anal sex is commonly a part of BDSM play. Especially when one partner is dominant and th other submissive.
While there is a lot more to Freudian theory I could expound on... I haven't forgotten we are here to talk about your anus - not Freud's theories about anuses!
Why do some not like anal?
While the rectum being such a sensitive structure can serve as a source of pleasure, it can also serve as a source of discomfort. The vagina is a straight self-lubricating opening with no winding curves whatsoever - nature designed this as an entrance! The rectum, however, is an S shaped tube with two sphincters within it that contains no lubrication whatsoever. Nature designed this as an exit! You may be nervous about performing anal sex and naturally tense up. Well, those muscles NEED to be relaxed in order for insertion to not hurt - and it can hurt A LOT! While the outer sphincter of the anus is a muscle we easily know how to control, the inner sphincter serves as another barrier altogether. The sphincter ani internus - or internal sphincter - is classified as an involuntary muscle and it is located about 6 mm inside of the anus. This second sphincter is most often the source of pain during anal sex. It is much more difficult to force yourself to relax an involuntary muscle... in fact you really can't! The relaxation has to be genuine.... meaning don't dive right into anal sex until you feel ready.
If you are hellbent on enjoying anal then you must teach yourself to enjoy it. Maybe buy a small 'beginner' butt plug, always use a lot of lube, you could decide to watch some porn that incorporates anal play, start pleasuring yourself, and then gently, slowly, after you are already turned on, try it out. I am by no means The Expert on YOUR sexuality... so if anything above sounds distasteful to you (for example you can't bare to see televised anuses) then DON'T do it! One note of caution - when performing anal masturbation it is important to use toys designed for anal play. This isn't a marketing scheme, this is for your safety. While anything put in the vagina will eventually find its way out, we do not have that same guarantee with the anus. Make sure there is a handle or a base... that will prevent the toy from being lost in your bum forever. I would hate to hear that you had ended up in the ER after trying to enjoy anal sex, SB.
Be Gentle! Express this need to your boyfriend, and if anything ever starts to hurt let him know and make him slow down or stop. He may need to give up his porn-induced fantasies of ramming you full speed in the ass... you're not a professional and you don't need to compare yourself to anyone, least of all porn stars!
Here's to loving pleasure from all angles!
- The Sexpert
I love my boyfriend. I love having sex with him... and we've done a lot of new things together for both of us and its been amazing! However, he loves having anal sex... and I am less than thrilled. I could save it for special occasions like his birthday or something but that makes me feel like a weird stereotype or something. Other girls like it - is there a way I could learn to like it?
Yours,
Shy Bum
Dearest Shy Bum,
You sound like a great girlfriend! You really want to make your boyfriend happy, unfortunately darling not everyone likes the same things (or else we would be living in a perfect world, right?)! Personally, I tend to side with you ... Anal sex is not everyone's cup of tea.
So, why do people like it?
The rectum has a high concentration of nerve endings! Just as many as genitals and therefore is considered an erogenous zone. It is in close proximity to the prostate gland, for men. For women anal insertion can stimulate the g-spot as well. The rectum is controlled by your PC muscles (the same muscles as the gentials) so naturally releasing the tension stored in these muscles is pleasurable - as you already know if you have ever had an orgasm ;) Anal insertion can intensify that experience or bring about a new sensation to it. For the partner doing the insertion, well they like it because the anus is a very tight opening :) While this is not everyone's cup of tea, there are many reasons one might enjoy going through with anal sex.Some people enjoy any type of sexual taboo. So while anal sex might not be the hellfire and brimstone provoking act it once was... as recent as 1986, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that states had the power to uphold sodomy laws if they wanted to. EVERY state had some sort of law prohibiting entering the back door until Illinois was the first state to repeal such a law in 1961. Historically, these laws were in place as a way to oppress the gay community - making acts within the gay male sexual repertoire arrestable offenses with punishments ranging from 1 - 15 years imprisonment! Hugh Heffner provided advocacy and considerable funds to those suffering penalties from breaking laws regarding "deviant" sexual behavior. Thanks Heff! Today, only 10 states outlaw anal sex. There are 4 states that outlaw anal sex only between gay partners.
Freud gave attention to anal sex in his theory of psychosexual development. In brief, this theory serves to explain how childhood experiences of physical sensation translate into sexual desires in our adult lives. Freud opined that the anal stage of development occurred around 18 months to 3 years old while a child is potty training. A child is learning control over their anus as a means of pleasing their parents (authority). Freud thought complexes existed when someone would get "stuck" in a stage of their development, perhaps due to an unresolved conflict. Freud described those with an "anal complex" as being obsessed with control, perfection, and cleanliness. Perhaps this ancient theory is one explanation for why anal sex is commonly a part of BDSM play. Especially when one partner is dominant and th other submissive. While there is a lot more to Freudian theory I could expound on... I haven't forgotten we are here to talk about your anus - not Freud's theories about anuses!
Why do some not like anal?
While the rectum being such a sensitive structure can serve as a source of pleasure, it can also serve as a source of discomfort. The vagina is a straight self-lubricating opening with no winding curves whatsoever - nature designed this as an entrance! The rectum, however, is an S shaped tube with two sphincters within it that contains no lubrication whatsoever. Nature designed this as an exit! You may be nervous about performing anal sex and naturally tense up. Well, those muscles NEED to be relaxed in order for insertion to not hurt - and it can hurt A LOT! While the outer sphincter of the anus is a muscle we easily know how to control, the inner sphincter serves as another barrier altogether. The sphincter ani internus - or internal sphincter - is classified as an involuntary muscle and it is located about 6 mm inside of the anus. This second sphincter is most often the source of pain during anal sex. It is much more difficult to force yourself to relax an involuntary muscle... in fact you really can't! The relaxation has to be genuine.... meaning don't dive right into anal sex until you feel ready.
Can you learn to love it?
To a virgin bum, a man's penis is a giant object. Like with any muscle, we train them for the activities we'd like them to perform. Anal sex is no different.
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So before you're ready for an entire schlong to be thrust repeatedly into your anus ask your boyfriend to start smaller. The least threatening (for you) would be his tongue. You described your bum as shy so maybe this could feel embarrassing for you too. However, I can assure you there is 0% chance of any actual pain involved in this activity.
Maybe fingers are a more viable option. Incorporate anal fingering into your foreplay or your boyfriend can do this during sex. Just make sure his fingers are lubed. Saliva or borrowing lubrication from the vagina will work in a pinch. Your brain loves making associations. Your brain wants to be efficient and accomplishes this by building mental frameworks. This is called Classical Conditioning. Are you familiar with the famous experiment of Pavlov's dogs, SB? When you pair one kind of stimulus with another consistently your brain starts to expect them to go together. Don't underestimate your brain's power! If you tell yourself, "I hate anal sex! What a chore!" when your boyfriend tries to play with your bum... you are dooming yourself to hate it forever. If having your bum played with is consistently paired with the pleasure of sex there is no reason why you shouldn't warm up to the idea after a short amount of time and the muscles in your anus will learn to relax to the feeling of insertion. You'll start to expect it to feel good!
Rules for anal you MUST keep in mind:
Be clean! There is some nasty illness-causing bacteria that lives in your butt. Don't do ass to mouth... just don't! Clean your toys often with anti-bacterial soap or put condoms on them. Have your boyfriend wear a condom if he penetrates your ass.
Be Gentle! Express this need to your boyfriend, and if anything ever starts to hurt let him know and make him slow down or stop. He may need to give up his porn-induced fantasies of ramming you full speed in the ass... you're not a professional and you don't need to compare yourself to anyone, least of all porn stars!
Lube, lube, and more lube! Never enter the backdoor without it. Use something thick (a gel lube) and long lasting (go ahead and spend the extra dollars on a silicone based lube)!
Relax! Show yourself some grace, no need to pressure yourself into loving anal by 6pm tonight. However, by keeping up with some of the above advice (no doubt your boyfriend will assist in that department), anal won't feel like such a chore after a while.
- The Sexpert
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