Trice Would Be Nice: Threesome Etiquette

Hi friend,


Thanks for letting me write to you. My boyfriend and I are 

very happy and very in love. We've been together for six

 years and everything just keeps getting better for us, both

sexually and emotionally. Here's my question: we're 

interested in having threesomes and we have a friend in 

mind that we would like to ask. What is the proper etiquette 

to asking someone to come into your bedroom? She's very

 cool and down to earth but is it taboo to ask? What is the

 appropriate way to ask her? I don't want to scare her away

 and I'm totally okay if she doesn't want to be involved. Any

 advice on how I could ask her? Is this a common thing?


Thanks!


Spicing it Up

Dear Spicing It Up,

Congrats to you for being in a relationship stable enough that you guys can share your fantasies and make a conjoined effort of bringing them into reality. ... But let me ask you, have you considered the REALITY of inviting another woman into the intimacy you and your partner currently share?

That wasn't meant to sound all judgey - I promise it wasn't... what could be hotter than a threesome?  Its just that sex is an emotional thing, especially when love is involved, and emotions are messy.  They creep up on us when we aren't expecting them to and suddenly you're feeling less like the porn star you expected to be and instead you're an Awkward Albert.  

So, if you are still wanting to menage, a trois then please consider what you should be prepared for.  Your new partner will be walking into six years of sexual history!  Make sure her comfort is the priority for both of you as she could all too easily feel like the outsider.  Maybe this means doing what she suggests or meeting where she wants to meet.  Maybe this means letting her initiate or maybe it means showing her a little extra attention.  Don't stress yourself out constantly trying to please everyone at once, Spicy.  The same applies to the other two people you are with. If they take some time together you should feel comfortable pleasuring yourself while you wait.  

I know you are asking me how to request a threesome of your friend not how to have a threesome, but there is a whole back story I do not know!  Maybe I care too much... but I do worry SIU.

Does the girl you and your boyfriend have "chosen" sound up for the task at hand?  Is she going to have similar preferences and boundaries that will jive with the type of experience you are looking to share?  And is she going to be able to communicate these things to you before things get "weird"?  Because you want to agree on the rules before hand.  What things can you not bare to watch your boyfriend do with another woman?  What things can you not bare to do to another woman?  Remember to be honest with yourself first and foremost because you will have to live with the consequences of it if you aren't.  Encourage your boyfriend to be just as honest with you as well because while he may think he has died and gone to heaven to have two girls in his bed... he may very well end up feeling jealous as well.  

Have you and your boyfriend have identified what sexual needs you have that will be met through having a threesome?  It is one thing to say "cuz its hot" and another to explain to your partner why you think it is hot.  Do you want to be with a woman?  Does one of you get excited by the idea of the other watching?  Does one of you want to watch? Side note: him wanting you to enjoy being with another woman doesn't mean you will.

Soooooo, lets say you and your boyfriend have had all these conversations.  You agree on a list of rules and you see eye to eye on the goals you have with this adventure.  You are both prepared for whatever that will happen and are secure enough in your love to accept those things.  How do you get lucky #3 to agree to all of that too?  How do you even bring it up?  You can't exactly pass her a note that says "Threesome with me and my boyfriend?  Yes  No   (circle one)."

For starters find out some basic information.  Has she ever done anything like this before?  Would she like to?  Does she find you both attractive?  Is she emotionally stable enough to be ok with the fact that you and your boyfriend are dating each other and not dating her?  A lot of these questions you could just bring up as "girl talk" without actually propositioning her until the moment you feel ready.  Is she someone you can see yourself flirting with?  Because it wouldn't hurt.  

If the girl you have in mind ends up not being a good fit might I suggest you consider your casual lovers from the past?  There is already a sexual comfort there that exists as well as a likely boundary preventing an emotional attachment.  

I wrote similar advice to someone being propositioned for a threesome. You might also enjoy reading that.  There is no right or wrong thing to do here, but it is important to be honest with the others involved and for them to be honest with you. There is no surefire recipe to get someone into the sack with you, but I like that you say you would be OK with it if she doesn't want to.  I understand the fear of not wanting to creep her out, but I think that attitude will take you a long way in your effort to remain respectful.   

Because you asked if this was taboo or common I'll offer you some threesome statistics.  In a survey of 100,000 people in 2010: 

* Less than 10% of women said they had been in a threesome.  

* 25% of men said they do not want to have a threesome. 

* 33% of men said it was their ultimate fantasy.

I have to be honest with you here, there are a lot of couples online who search out bisexual girls to proposition for threesomes.  However, I very seldom see bisexual girls advertising the fact they wish to participate in threesomes with couples.  This doesn't mean it is impossible to arrange, but keep in mind that having a threesome fantasy is far more popular than instances of having been in one. In other surveys conducted on the topic, 24% of people in Vancouver, Canada said they had been in a threesome. 60% of respondents in Portland, Oregon said they would participate in an orgy if they knew they would never have to see their partners again.  Maybe the Pacific Northwest is where to go to get some group lovin'?

In any case - crank up that suave and pursue what it is you really desire! 

- The Sexpert