When the Pieces Don't Fit
Hello,
I wrote to another magazine but they recommended I write to you with this question. Me and my new boyfriend decided to have sex but we cannot. He has a very big penis and it will not fit inside. This is unbelievably upsetting! I love him and had pictured a future with him, but how can I hope for that now when there is no chance for intimacy? I need to feel that kind of closeness to someone if I am going to continue dating them. I have no clue what to do! We tried for an hour before it became too frustrating to continue. We talked and agreed we can't be upset because it is nobody's fault and that we will just keep trying but I AM upset! Really upset! I spent all day crying. Do I break up with him? I just don't want to waste time if there really isn't any hope.
Thank you!
Big Hopes for Big Dick
Dear Big,
Ohh darling, how terrible! Nothing is worse than awkward sex, but beyond awkward you couldn't even make it work! I can't imagine the frustration and you clearly sound like you are in emotional turmoil. It is understandable! Everyone dreams of meeting someone wonderful and something as silly as a giant schlong is preventing your happiness! I am glad to hear that you two had a conversation about it afterwards and tried to be supportive and encouraging of one another. Keeping open communication, honesty, and sensitivity will be the foundation to carry you through this hard time if you decide to stick it out!
Not saying you have to stick it out or should... your intuition about if he is worth the discomfort needs to be your guide right now. Only you know if you both have the strength to get through this and to get past what happened. He sounds like a mature, open, and all around wonderful fellow, but like you said, it is going to take an extra amount of effort to bring the intimacy you crave into this relationship. Do you love him enough to want to get through that struggle with him? He is right that this is no ones fault! You will have to remain a team and support each other - but if you just aren't up for it ... then you just aren't up for it. You said it is a new relationship, yes? No one would blame you if you cut your losses and found some fun with other fish in the sea -- but are any of the other fish as kind, caring, intelligent, and handsome as this one? Weigh the pros and cons Big. The decision rests on your shoulders.
I am reminded of a couple I saw on the show Strange Sex on TLC. Do you ever watch that show? TLC is the home of a lot of my guilty reality show pleasures I am afraid, especially that show! There was a newly married couple, Samira and Firas, that had waited until their wedding night to have sex for the first time. Can you imagine their frustration as they realized it was not possible? For Samira her vagina would not cooperate to allow Firas inside and she was diagnosed with Vaginismus after a while.
Vaginismus is an involuntary spasm of your pelvic muscles and can be caused by experiencing pain due to other vaginal infections (a UTI, Vaginitus, etc.). However, primarily Vaginismus is referred to as a psychosomatic disorder, meaning a problem that is psychological (anxiety) that effects a physical process (a muscle spasm). For Samira it was a discomfort with her body as she had been given negative messages her whole life about losing her virginity. For others, nearly anything can be enough of a mental block to cause this condition! Some women aren't even consciously aware what causes their "panic attack of the vagina."
Hopefully it will comfort you that you're not alone in being a couple frustrated by sex that failed to happen when your expectation was for it to be great. It also illustrates how a strong love can be the foundation to get through such an emotionally trying challenge. I know you described the problem as his penis being too big, however, if you feel that there are factors that made your vagina less accommodating to penetration I would encourage you to be honest and address these things for yourself. If you watch the segment, Samira did a lot of interprasonal work with the help of professionals to win her battle with Vaginismus.
Even if you aren't suffering a diagnosable condition like Vaginismus, feeling discomfort of any kind can automatically inhibit sexual performance or at least lessen one's sexual gratification. If you have read through my blog perhaps you have stumbled upon a post called "Problems with the Plumbing" where a girl wrote to me asking why her young healthy boyfriend have problems maintaining an erection and suffering premature ejaculation. Like you Big, she was also at her wits end because she loved this man but couldn't deal with the frustration of ongoing dissatisfaction in the bedroom. One thing that raised my eyebrows in her situation was that she described their relationship as recently moving to the next level of commitment. Often when we feel the pressure of expectations we may also fall short in being able to perform sexually.
My advice in "Problems with the Plumbing" was to talk to the boyfriend and reassure him there was no pressure to perform. Feeling anxiety can inhibit arousal. She wrote me back a few months later to confirm that the problem had just been his nervousness and talking it through had been their cure! The same is true in your situation, while you both may be raring to go through with the deed, the pressure and the pain of hoping is a huge deterrent to sexual performance.
There is a sexual recipe that sex therapists and couples' counselors will prescribe to couples suffering these shoddy nerves called the Sensate Focus Method. If you and your boyfriend decide to give it another go, can I suggest you don't just sit there trying to achieve penetration for an hour until you both are sore, tired, and near tears? Try using the principles of this method for a while and see if it helps re-center the intimacy within your sexual connection. You can move through these steps in your own timing but it is recommended that you do one step a week.
First: each partner gives the other a massage - but you aren't allowed to touch genitals or breasts! Your only goal is to enjoy the sensation of being touched and increase awareness of your partner's body by touching it. Afterwards feel free to discuss whatever feelings came up for you during the exercise.
Second: Repeat step one but this time include breasts.
Third: Include genitals and if penetration happens - well then it happens. If it doesn't happen.. then it will happen next time. Actually, take as many steps here as you need until you reach a point where penetration feels natural and comfortable... step four, five, six? Doesn't matter because there is no set goal and you are not in a race!
I know everyone loves dirty talk. However, sometimes saying certain things ("You're going to cum so hard for me," etc.) is not helpful when you already have doubts about your ability to perform sexually. Be careful and sensitive not to be bossy in your bedroom with this new lover Big - at least until you guys decide he likes it. However, there are a lot of things that you could say to encourage the bond you're creating. Stuff like, "I just want to make you feel good," "You're the only one I want," "You're so sexy," etc. Yes, you will have to scale down the nastiness, but you are trading it in for romance, Big. Even arrogant people will be truly appreciative of a compliment you're kind enough to pay them in bed - don't hold back!
Also, the vagina is quite an incredible body part Big! If you decide to follow the steps above, might I also suggest that for you it is extra important to gain awareness of what you have got going on down there? It has been a common myth for a long time that having too much sex, or engaging in sex with well-endowed men (or dildos) will "stretch" you out and make your sex doomed for life. This is NOT TRUE - I repeat - NOT TRUE! What is true is that the vaginal opening is a wall of muscles. These muscles expand and contract like any muscle that undergoes exercise. They can grow strong. I recently had a friend brag to me that she and her boyfriend can reach orgasm together with only her Kegal muscles doing the work.... impressed? Me too! In summary a "tight" vagina is just a girl squeezing her vaginal muscles - if you lack awareness of these muscles, then you are at a disadvantage to pleasing your partner in this way. A "loose" vagina is not caused by anything that was ever inserted inside of it at any time - that's just NOT how it happens.
Its not rocket science, and I am sure I am not telling you anything you don't know, when I say the whole penetration process will be made easier by following the rule of wetter is better. So, if you take part in "Step three" as outlined above, can I ask a favor of your boyfriend? That he spends a good and great deal of time learning what your clitoris likes! A man who uses foreplay to his advantage knows the clitoris is the door knob to the vagina. Perhaps he could even get you to climax before he ever even tries to enter you, Big. This would ensure your arousal, lubrication, and relaxation at the time of penetration. If he is unable to stimulate your g-spot with his penis just yet, he could still do it with his fingers, right?
More good news about your lady bits Big, is that there is this magical thing called the Anterior Fornix Erogenous Zone, or the "A-Spot." This was discovered by Dr. Chua Chee Ann in his research about vaginal dryness. He found that stimulation of this area made a vagina wetter than stimulating any other area. This spot is located deep within the vagina. So, evolution gave women a means to accommodate a very large penis - when the very back of our vagina gets touched, not only can it cause pleasure, but you instantly get wet enough to handle sex with a larger partner. I do realize penetration has to occur before this can happen, but let it comfort your mind that once it does the entire sex act won't remain one big painful chore. You have means to accommodate!
Also, there's no shame in using a little extra help if you need it. I wrote a review of different kinds of lubricants in the past. Reading it may help you may gain some insight into whats out there, over the counter, to help grease your gears. In in the words of one of my readers, "With Astroglide you can pretty much fit an extended cab pickup truck into a dog house." So that would be his recommendation :) If you choose the rout of sticking it out with your boyfriend, I would suggest your next order of business be letting him know you plan on buying and using something that will help you out in your unique set of circumstances. I know it can feel scary or awkward to whip out lube in the middle of sex if that is not a normal or comfortable part of your routine. However, I am sure that he wants to find a pleasurable experience with you just as badly as you do with him. So, to preface it by saying "I think this will help." It will likely get him on the same page of making this product a welcome addition to your sex life. I'm sure he is aware that he is above average size and perhaps he has gone through similar struggles in the past. Maybe for him, this is an ongoing trial in his life that is causing him to feel uncomfortable with his own body! Find out how he feels about the situation, because remember, you're a team on a journey to find amazing sex with each other!
Hang in there! You have some thinking to do!
- The Sexpert
I wrote to another magazine but they recommended I write to you with this question. Me and my new boyfriend decided to have sex but we cannot. He has a very big penis and it will not fit inside. This is unbelievably upsetting! I love him and had pictured a future with him, but how can I hope for that now when there is no chance for intimacy? I need to feel that kind of closeness to someone if I am going to continue dating them. I have no clue what to do! We tried for an hour before it became too frustrating to continue. We talked and agreed we can't be upset because it is nobody's fault and that we will just keep trying but I AM upset! Really upset! I spent all day crying. Do I break up with him? I just don't want to waste time if there really isn't any hope.
Thank you!
Big Hopes for Big Dick
Dear Big,
Ohh darling, how terrible! Nothing is worse than awkward sex, but beyond awkward you couldn't even make it work! I can't imagine the frustration and you clearly sound like you are in emotional turmoil. It is understandable! Everyone dreams of meeting someone wonderful and something as silly as a giant schlong is preventing your happiness! I am glad to hear that you two had a conversation about it afterwards and tried to be supportive and encouraging of one another. Keeping open communication, honesty, and sensitivity will be the foundation to carry you through this hard time if you decide to stick it out!
Not saying you have to stick it out or should... your intuition about if he is worth the discomfort needs to be your guide right now. Only you know if you both have the strength to get through this and to get past what happened. He sounds like a mature, open, and all around wonderful fellow, but like you said, it is going to take an extra amount of effort to bring the intimacy you crave into this relationship. Do you love him enough to want to get through that struggle with him? He is right that this is no ones fault! You will have to remain a team and support each other - but if you just aren't up for it ... then you just aren't up for it. You said it is a new relationship, yes? No one would blame you if you cut your losses and found some fun with other fish in the sea -- but are any of the other fish as kind, caring, intelligent, and handsome as this one? Weigh the pros and cons Big. The decision rests on your shoulders.
I am reminded of a couple I saw on the show Strange Sex on TLC. Do you ever watch that show? TLC is the home of a lot of my guilty reality show pleasures I am afraid, especially that show! There was a newly married couple, Samira and Firas, that had waited until their wedding night to have sex for the first time. Can you imagine their frustration as they realized it was not possible? For Samira her vagina would not cooperate to allow Firas inside and she was diagnosed with Vaginismus after a while.
Vaginismus is an involuntary spasm of your pelvic muscles and can be caused by experiencing pain due to other vaginal infections (a UTI, Vaginitus, etc.). However, primarily Vaginismus is referred to as a psychosomatic disorder, meaning a problem that is psychological (anxiety) that effects a physical process (a muscle spasm). For Samira it was a discomfort with her body as she had been given negative messages her whole life about losing her virginity. For others, nearly anything can be enough of a mental block to cause this condition! Some women aren't even consciously aware what causes their "panic attack of the vagina."
Hopefully it will comfort you that you're not alone in being a couple frustrated by sex that failed to happen when your expectation was for it to be great. It also illustrates how a strong love can be the foundation to get through such an emotionally trying challenge. I know you described the problem as his penis being too big, however, if you feel that there are factors that made your vagina less accommodating to penetration I would encourage you to be honest and address these things for yourself. If you watch the segment, Samira did a lot of interprasonal work with the help of professionals to win her battle with Vaginismus.Even if you aren't suffering a diagnosable condition like Vaginismus, feeling discomfort of any kind can automatically inhibit sexual performance or at least lessen one's sexual gratification. If you have read through my blog perhaps you have stumbled upon a post called "Problems with the Plumbing" where a girl wrote to me asking why her young healthy boyfriend have problems maintaining an erection and suffering premature ejaculation. Like you Big, she was also at her wits end because she loved this man but couldn't deal with the frustration of ongoing dissatisfaction in the bedroom. One thing that raised my eyebrows in her situation was that she described their relationship as recently moving to the next level of commitment. Often when we feel the pressure of expectations we may also fall short in being able to perform sexually.
My advice in "Problems with the Plumbing" was to talk to the boyfriend and reassure him there was no pressure to perform. Feeling anxiety can inhibit arousal. She wrote me back a few months later to confirm that the problem had just been his nervousness and talking it through had been their cure! The same is true in your situation, while you both may be raring to go through with the deed, the pressure and the pain of hoping is a huge deterrent to sexual performance.
 |
| Let sex GROW |
There is a sexual recipe that sex therapists and couples' counselors will prescribe to couples suffering these shoddy nerves called the Sensate Focus Method. If you and your boyfriend decide to give it another go, can I suggest you don't just sit there trying to achieve penetration for an hour until you both are sore, tired, and near tears? Try using the principles of this method for a while and see if it helps re-center the intimacy within your sexual connection. You can move through these steps in your own timing but it is recommended that you do one step a week.
First: each partner gives the other a massage - but you aren't allowed to touch genitals or breasts! Your only goal is to enjoy the sensation of being touched and increase awareness of your partner's body by touching it. Afterwards feel free to discuss whatever feelings came up for you during the exercise.
Second: Repeat step one but this time include breasts.
Third: Include genitals and if penetration happens - well then it happens. If it doesn't happen.. then it will happen next time. Actually, take as many steps here as you need until you reach a point where penetration feels natural and comfortable... step four, five, six? Doesn't matter because there is no set goal and you are not in a race!
I know everyone loves dirty talk. However, sometimes saying certain things ("You're going to cum so hard for me," etc.) is not helpful when you already have doubts about your ability to perform sexually. Be careful and sensitive not to be bossy in your bedroom with this new lover Big - at least until you guys decide he likes it. However, there are a lot of things that you could say to encourage the bond you're creating. Stuff like, "I just want to make you feel good," "You're the only one I want," "You're so sexy," etc. Yes, you will have to scale down the nastiness, but you are trading it in for romance, Big. Even arrogant people will be truly appreciative of a compliment you're kind enough to pay them in bed - don't hold back! 
Also, the vagina is quite an incredible body part Big! If you decide to follow the steps above, might I also suggest that for you it is extra important to gain awareness of what you have got going on down there? It has been a common myth for a long time that having too much sex, or engaging in sex with well-endowed men (or dildos) will "stretch" you out and make your sex doomed for life. This is NOT TRUE - I repeat - NOT TRUE! What is true is that the vaginal opening is a wall of muscles. These muscles expand and contract like any muscle that undergoes exercise. They can grow strong. I recently had a friend brag to me that she and her boyfriend can reach orgasm together with only her Kegal muscles doing the work.... impressed? Me too! In summary a "tight" vagina is just a girl squeezing her vaginal muscles - if you lack awareness of these muscles, then you are at a disadvantage to pleasing your partner in this way. A "loose" vagina is not caused by anything that was ever inserted inside of it at any time - that's just NOT how it happens. Its not rocket science, and I am sure I am not telling you anything you don't know, when I say the whole penetration process will be made easier by following the rule of wetter is better. So, if you take part in "Step three" as outlined above, can I ask a favor of your boyfriend? That he spends a good and great deal of time learning what your clitoris likes! A man who uses foreplay to his advantage knows the clitoris is the door knob to the vagina. Perhaps he could even get you to climax before he ever even tries to enter you, Big. This would ensure your arousal, lubrication, and relaxation at the time of penetration. If he is unable to stimulate your g-spot with his penis just yet, he could still do it with his fingers, right?
More good news about your lady bits Big, is that there is this magical thing called the Anterior Fornix Erogenous Zone, or the "A-Spot." This was discovered by Dr. Chua Chee Ann in his research about vaginal dryness. He found that stimulation of this area made a vagina wetter than stimulating any other area. This spot is located deep within the vagina. So, evolution gave women a means to accommodate a very large penis - when the very back of our vagina gets touched, not only can it cause pleasure, but you instantly get wet enough to handle sex with a larger partner. I do realize penetration has to occur before this can happen, but let it comfort your mind that once it does the entire sex act won't remain one big painful chore. You have means to accommodate!
Also, there's no shame in using a little extra help if you need it. I wrote a review of different kinds of lubricants in the past. Reading it may help you may gain some insight into whats out there, over the counter, to help grease your gears. In in the words of one of my readers, "With Astroglide you can pretty much fit an extended cab pickup truck into a dog house." So that would be his recommendation :) If you choose the rout of sticking it out with your boyfriend, I would suggest your next order of business be letting him know you plan on buying and using something that will help you out in your unique set of circumstances. I know it can feel scary or awkward to whip out lube in the middle of sex if that is not a normal or comfortable part of your routine. However, I am sure that he wants to find a pleasurable experience with you just as badly as you do with him. So, to preface it by saying "I think this will help." It will likely get him on the same page of making this product a welcome addition to your sex life. I'm sure he is aware that he is above average size and perhaps he has gone through similar struggles in the past. Maybe for him, this is an ongoing trial in his life that is causing him to feel uncomfortable with his own body! Find out how he feels about the situation, because remember, you're a team on a journey to find amazing sex with each other!
Hang in there! You have some thinking to do!
- The Sexpert
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