The Problem With Monogamy
Dear Sexpert,
I am a man who is scared that I will never be happy with only one woman. I was in a long term relationship a few months back and towards the end of it I was overwhelmed with the temptation to cheat on my girlfriend. I loved her. My desire wasn't to hurt her. I was just was BORED being with only one woman. Now that I am single this feeling hasn't gone away. I just want to pursue every woman who I find attractive.
What is wrong with me?
Danger to Myself and Others
Dear Mr. Danger,
First of all, lets address the fact that men tend to get labeled with this problem most often. Men have caught the bad wrap as "dogs" and philanderers. In the spirit of gender equality I would like to dispel the myth that there is anything inherent about men that causes them to have a wandering eye. The logic that would argue otherwise blames all sexual urges on the hormone testosterone, which men typically have more of than women coursing through their veins on any given day. And this is popular logic. Viagra utilizes testosterone in it's multimillion dollar magic pills and now experimental new pills for women are seeking to do the same. I have heard stories of women and men seeking testosterone therapy in an effort to boost libido, increase stamina, or even improve muscle mass. Truthfully, there is still much about these treatments that is purely experimental. It will likely effect each individual differently, regardless of their sex, and we have yet to see what happens when someone takes testosterone long term.
Some research suggests that humans just aren't "hardwired" for monogamy. Evolutionary psychologists tell us that humans want to spread their genes to as large a pool as possible. In the animal kingdom, species that mate for life are rare. A 2003 survey conducted in the UK found that the happiest men were serial monogamists who never married. However, the majority of men do marry at some point in their lives.
The research that has been done regarding hormones' effect on sex shows that an increase of testosterone cannot be linked to an increase in sexual encounters for either men or women! Why? Because engaging in sex with a partner has more complicated factors than whether or not your naughty bits work correctly. The bulk of this complication falls under the umbrella of gender socialization.
In a recent NY Times article that made waves last week, the discrepancy between the biology and the sociology of the sex life of the modern woman was discussed. The thrust of this article was to call attention to the fact that traditionally, men and women's courting rituals do not mirror what biology has told us is fact - that women crave sex equally to men! This study also found that women themselves tend to get bored with their sex lives (which is typically expressed in a lack of desire) around year four of a monogamous relationship.
So, the compulsion to cheat on your partner should not be mislabeled a "men's issue" even though statistically men do have more extramarital affairs than women. While the NY Times article discussed the messages women receive from society about how to behave in the face of their burning hot sex drives, it does not touch on the messages society gives to men about their's. Any idiot can tell you they are vastly different, correct? In my previous post, The Politics of Cheating, I mention different types of cheaters and, sociologically speaking, one type of cheater is one who feels his manhood is validated by the number of women he has seduced. So to re-cap: the testosterone doesn't tell him to feel that way, society does!
Are you this way, Danger? You're not a lost cause... this is absolutely curable without use of any prescription or over the counter medication! You simply need to accept that a notch on your bedpost is not the source of your manliness. If that is difficult for you to accomplish alone or with the support of caring people in your life, counseling might be your next best option. For a supportive online community (besides your's truly), I cannot express my love enough for The Good Men Project which handles the question of how to be a good man in a variety of ways daily and from diverse voices!
I have never been married, so it is hard for me to empathize with the plight of someone feeling the ware of going home to "the old ball and chain" every night ... night after night. I hear it can get a little stressful ...
There seems to be some advice out there for those who are making a valiant effort to be true to their one and only. Firstly, the number one place affairs begin is in your work place. If one were to make that extra effort to maintain professional boundaries, especially with those co-workers with whom there is an attraction towards, the mess could be avoided. Don't express your marital struggles to coworkers, this could make you a target if they've fallen victim to the wandering eye themselves. Long term relationships are just a lot of work, plain and simple. Put time in to work on it, maintain it, converse with each other, plan for the future together, and be honest with one another about your feelings. Cheating is most likely to occur for a married man is during a difficult life transition. If your time and energy is going into the relationship with your partner, then you will be avoiding it accidentally falling elsewhere.
There is also a strong community of people who believe monogamy stifles true human nature. Getting bored in a years-long monogamous relationship is inevitable and natural on all accounts. Polyamorous folks are of the opinion that instead of fighting what is bound to happen in any intimate relationship, it is best to acknowledge one's attraction to new partners and in some cases act on them. This isn't to be confused with polygamy which is the culturally or religiously bound practice of one man taking more than one wife. That is something else entirely!
The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (1997) is an early manifesto of ethical non-monogamy - because it is meant to be a book of morality. Reading like a textbook, this open relationship bible serves as a entry way into poly culture, sex-positivism, and leaves one with several do's and dont's of non-monogamy.
Without strong ethics, a non-monogamous lifestyle quickly becomes hard to manage and you're left only being able to tell half-truths to those in your life with whom you should be caring about most. Any sex addict can testify that their series of one night stands and short-lived romances were a deflection that got in their way of any chance they had for real intimacy with another human being. The first criticism you will hear about the poly community is that this lifestyle of "many loves" is immoral or just dressed up cheating. I would argue that the opposite is true!
The synonyms of cheating: swindling, deceiving, purposefully misconstruing information for personal gain, etc. etc.. The number one rule of poly relationships is HONESTY. The poly person doesn't pretend to be monogamous with their lovers. The poly person is openly poly. When you hear the term "open relationship" go ahead and put the emphasis on the OPEN. Openness is another staple value of poly love. The author's of The Ethical Slut are frank in their discussion of why someone would choose a poly lifestyle - it is more fun and leaves you much more opportunity for sexual adventures! However, to accomplish living this way without heart ache and strife one must let go of some things that have been second nature since we were young children; namely judgement and jealousy.
The authors define 'Nonjudgemental' as an attitude. One where partners evaluate the success of their relationships based on how well it is working out in the context of their own lives instead of an external standard of "right" or "wrong." I would encourage even the most monogamous couple to take that advice! Similarly, they define 'Openheartedness' as greeting the world every morning with this same attitude and replacing judgement with compassion. While this might sound a little Utopian, it isn't without its struggle as jealousy is certainly the green eye'd monster that tends to be harder to get rid of.
Poly lovers often talk about the tools of negotiation and communication that assist them in overcoming or coping with situations that cause them to feel jealous. Poly ethics encourages talking between partners about what it is that triggers these feelings and why. This process helps one grow in self-awareness which is helpful knowledge in any and all of life's situations! Avoiding jealousy triggers is a temporary solution, while doing self work to overcome those feelings completely is the longer journey poly people are encouraged to make.
Bascially, this is all to say that if monogamy feels like a shoe that won't fit, why force it, Danger? You're free to find like-minded people near you to embark on these sexual adventures and journeys of self-discovery with! There is nothing to prevent you from having a 'normal' life and being polyamorous. Many poly people are married, have kids together, and recognize someone as their 'primary partner.' There is also such a thing as 'polyfidelity' where a group of lovers decides they are satisfied with just each other and become exclusive. These exclusive groups are labeled things such as triads, triangles and quads... but perhaps you will find out soon enough, Danger?
I wish you luck on your journey,
- The Sexpert
I am a man who is scared that I will never be happy with only one woman. I was in a long term relationship a few months back and towards the end of it I was overwhelmed with the temptation to cheat on my girlfriend. I loved her. My desire wasn't to hurt her. I was just was BORED being with only one woman. Now that I am single this feeling hasn't gone away. I just want to pursue every woman who I find attractive.
What is wrong with me?
Danger to Myself and Others
Dear Mr. Danger,
First of all, lets address the fact that men tend to get labeled with this problem most often. Men have caught the bad wrap as "dogs" and philanderers. In the spirit of gender equality I would like to dispel the myth that there is anything inherent about men that causes them to have a wandering eye. The logic that would argue otherwise blames all sexual urges on the hormone testosterone, which men typically have more of than women coursing through their veins on any given day. And this is popular logic. Viagra utilizes testosterone in it's multimillion dollar magic pills and now experimental new pills for women are seeking to do the same. I have heard stories of women and men seeking testosterone therapy in an effort to boost libido, increase stamina, or even improve muscle mass. Truthfully, there is still much about these treatments that is purely experimental. It will likely effect each individual differently, regardless of their sex, and we have yet to see what happens when someone takes testosterone long term.
Some research suggests that humans just aren't "hardwired" for monogamy. Evolutionary psychologists tell us that humans want to spread their genes to as large a pool as possible. In the animal kingdom, species that mate for life are rare. A 2003 survey conducted in the UK found that the happiest men were serial monogamists who never married. However, the majority of men do marry at some point in their lives.
The research that has been done regarding hormones' effect on sex shows that an increase of testosterone cannot be linked to an increase in sexual encounters for either men or women! Why? Because engaging in sex with a partner has more complicated factors than whether or not your naughty bits work correctly. The bulk of this complication falls under the umbrella of gender socialization.
In a recent NY Times article that made waves last week, the discrepancy between the biology and the sociology of the sex life of the modern woman was discussed. The thrust of this article was to call attention to the fact that traditionally, men and women's courting rituals do not mirror what biology has told us is fact - that women crave sex equally to men! This study also found that women themselves tend to get bored with their sex lives (which is typically expressed in a lack of desire) around year four of a monogamous relationship.So, the compulsion to cheat on your partner should not be mislabeled a "men's issue" even though statistically men do have more extramarital affairs than women. While the NY Times article discussed the messages women receive from society about how to behave in the face of their burning hot sex drives, it does not touch on the messages society gives to men about their's. Any idiot can tell you they are vastly different, correct? In my previous post, The Politics of Cheating, I mention different types of cheaters and, sociologically speaking, one type of cheater is one who feels his manhood is validated by the number of women he has seduced. So to re-cap: the testosterone doesn't tell him to feel that way, society does!
Are you this way, Danger? You're not a lost cause... this is absolutely curable without use of any prescription or over the counter medication! You simply need to accept that a notch on your bedpost is not the source of your manliness. If that is difficult for you to accomplish alone or with the support of caring people in your life, counseling might be your next best option. For a supportive online community (besides your's truly), I cannot express my love enough for The Good Men Project which handles the question of how to be a good man in a variety of ways daily and from diverse voices!
I have never been married, so it is hard for me to empathize with the plight of someone feeling the ware of going home to "the old ball and chain" every night ... night after night. I hear it can get a little stressful ...
There seems to be some advice out there for those who are making a valiant effort to be true to their one and only. Firstly, the number one place affairs begin is in your work place. If one were to make that extra effort to maintain professional boundaries, especially with those co-workers with whom there is an attraction towards, the mess could be avoided. Don't express your marital struggles to coworkers, this could make you a target if they've fallen victim to the wandering eye themselves. Long term relationships are just a lot of work, plain and simple. Put time in to work on it, maintain it, converse with each other, plan for the future together, and be honest with one another about your feelings. Cheating is most likely to occur for a married man is during a difficult life transition. If your time and energy is going into the relationship with your partner, then you will be avoiding it accidentally falling elsewhere.
There is also a strong community of people who believe monogamy stifles true human nature. Getting bored in a years-long monogamous relationship is inevitable and natural on all accounts. Polyamorous folks are of the opinion that instead of fighting what is bound to happen in any intimate relationship, it is best to acknowledge one's attraction to new partners and in some cases act on them. This isn't to be confused with polygamy which is the culturally or religiously bound practice of one man taking more than one wife. That is something else entirely!
The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (1997) is an early manifesto of ethical non-monogamy - because it is meant to be a book of morality. Reading like a textbook, this open relationship bible serves as a entry way into poly culture, sex-positivism, and leaves one with several do's and dont's of non-monogamy. Without strong ethics, a non-monogamous lifestyle quickly becomes hard to manage and you're left only being able to tell half-truths to those in your life with whom you should be caring about most. Any sex addict can testify that their series of one night stands and short-lived romances were a deflection that got in their way of any chance they had for real intimacy with another human being. The first criticism you will hear about the poly community is that this lifestyle of "many loves" is immoral or just dressed up cheating. I would argue that the opposite is true!
The synonyms of cheating: swindling, deceiving, purposefully misconstruing information for personal gain, etc. etc.. The number one rule of poly relationships is HONESTY. The poly person doesn't pretend to be monogamous with their lovers. The poly person is openly poly. When you hear the term "open relationship" go ahead and put the emphasis on the OPEN. Openness is another staple value of poly love. The author's of The Ethical Slut are frank in their discussion of why someone would choose a poly lifestyle - it is more fun and leaves you much more opportunity for sexual adventures! However, to accomplish living this way without heart ache and strife one must let go of some things that have been second nature since we were young children; namely judgement and jealousy.
The authors define 'Nonjudgemental' as an attitude. One where partners evaluate the success of their relationships based on how well it is working out in the context of their own lives instead of an external standard of "right" or "wrong." I would encourage even the most monogamous couple to take that advice! Similarly, they define 'Openheartedness' as greeting the world every morning with this same attitude and replacing judgement with compassion. While this might sound a little Utopian, it isn't without its struggle as jealousy is certainly the green eye'd monster that tends to be harder to get rid of.
Poly lovers often talk about the tools of negotiation and communication that assist them in overcoming or coping with situations that cause them to feel jealous. Poly ethics encourages talking between partners about what it is that triggers these feelings and why. This process helps one grow in self-awareness which is helpful knowledge in any and all of life's situations! Avoiding jealousy triggers is a temporary solution, while doing self work to overcome those feelings completely is the longer journey poly people are encouraged to make. Bascially, this is all to say that if monogamy feels like a shoe that won't fit, why force it, Danger? You're free to find like-minded people near you to embark on these sexual adventures and journeys of self-discovery with! There is nothing to prevent you from having a 'normal' life and being polyamorous. Many poly people are married, have kids together, and recognize someone as their 'primary partner.' There is also such a thing as 'polyfidelity' where a group of lovers decides they are satisfied with just each other and become exclusive. These exclusive groups are labeled things such as triads, triangles and quads... but perhaps you will find out soon enough, Danger?
I wish you luck on your journey,
- The Sexpert
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