Choices, Choices!
Dear Sexpert,
I have a predicament I need help with. How do you choose the right guy between the following:
Candidate A: tall, good looking, enormous hands ... basically my ideal man physically. When we are out in public I feel very proud to be with him. However, no quick wit and he is not particularly interesting in conversation.
Candidate B: not physically what I envisioned for myself. However, we have a great connection. He makes me tear up laughing. Recently what was our fun friendship has turned sexual.
How do I choose between arm candy and fuck buddy?
Indecisive in the City
Iitc,
What a delightful dilemma. Some would call this a good problem to have.
The answers lies with your priorities, love. Why do you want to be in a relationship? Is it for status and the approval of others? Perhaps just to stare up at a nice pair of abs? Candidate A is your man for the job.
Here's the silver lining doll - looks fade. It is called being shallow, because this behavior will eventually leave you empty. One day, you will be 64, weighing your retirement options, squinting to read the fine print of your 401k with your crow's feet wrinkling up to unparalleled proportions. Are abs going to matter then? When someone shows you the qualities of a good partner, (overall compatibility, agreeableness, etc.), it is best to pay attention - in my experience. Do you feel Candidate B exhibits these forever qualities? "Friends" often do!
A 2012 Match.com study showed that 44% of Friend with Benefits situations end up turning into long-term relationships. When "FWB" first became a relationship status unto itself I remember there was a lot of harsh criticism. Someone had to be so wayward and diluted as to enter into such an arrangement. Now, our generation is virtually defined by our acceptance of these FWB style relationships as a natural part of life.
But do you see what I am getting at? Just the simple fact that you have your cake and you are eating it too speaks to your attitude about relationships. These men seem to compliment each other nicely, no? Juggling relationships with men who don't want to be up in the air could eventually bite you in the ass. Perhaps you'll have made up your mind (one way or the other) but your object of desire no longer trusts you to be faithful. Bottom line: Boys are fun toys but they don't like to get played.
I have a predicament I need help with. How do you choose the right guy between the following:
Candidate A: tall, good looking, enormous hands ... basically my ideal man physically. When we are out in public I feel very proud to be with him. However, no quick wit and he is not particularly interesting in conversation.
Candidate B: not physically what I envisioned for myself. However, we have a great connection. He makes me tear up laughing. Recently what was our fun friendship has turned sexual.
How do I choose between arm candy and fuck buddy?
Indecisive in the City
Iitc,
What a delightful dilemma. Some would call this a good problem to have.
The answers lies with your priorities, love. Why do you want to be in a relationship? Is it for status and the approval of others? Perhaps just to stare up at a nice pair of abs? Candidate A is your man for the job.
Here's the silver lining doll - looks fade. It is called being shallow, because this behavior will eventually leave you empty. One day, you will be 64, weighing your retirement options, squinting to read the fine print of your 401k with your crow's feet wrinkling up to unparalleled proportions. Are abs going to matter then? When someone shows you the qualities of a good partner, (overall compatibility, agreeableness, etc.), it is best to pay attention - in my experience. Do you feel Candidate B exhibits these forever qualities? "Friends" often do!
There may just be a chemical culprit behind this phenomena. You can enter into a FWB agreement explicitly stating to one another, "This is JUST sex!" But even "just sex" always involves oxytocin: the attachment hormone. Oxytocin begins rushing through your veins from the moment your lips lock. If you want to stay just friends, Sheri Meyers, Psy.D recommends keeping the hugging, kissing, and cuddling to a minimum. Keeping in check of your own boundaries is important too. Leaving a toothbrush at his house? Flying into a rage when an unknown girl likes his new profile pic? These are clues that you have, in fact, been bitten by the love bug. Let me tell you, it sucks when only one FWB is itching and scratching while the other suddenly puts the relationship on ice.
Still, others argue we are not slaves to our hormones. A strong capable adult is not victim to every mood swing that a rush of endorphins may bring about. Maybe we do have to have some resemblance of feelings if true love is to ever sprout and grow to begin with. Perhaps FWB situations go awry when when one already has unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship styles ingrained within them to begin with. Makes sense to me...
So here is my question for you Iitc, how did you snare these two dashing young men at the same time and do you really want to choose between them? Are you in a place in your life where you feel you have to get serious and make a choice? Will not choosing be disastrous?
Ok that was actually about 4 questions...
But do you see what I am getting at? Just the simple fact that you have your cake and you are eating it too speaks to your attitude about relationships. These men seem to compliment each other nicely, no? Juggling relationships with men who don't want to be up in the air could eventually bite you in the ass. Perhaps you'll have made up your mind (one way or the other) but your object of desire no longer trusts you to be faithful. Bottom line: Boys are fun toys but they don't like to get played.
Choose wisely,
- The Sexpert
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