Time Heals All?
So how do I tell my wife of 20 years that foreplay is a 2
way street? At 44 things take time to get up...
It stems from her childhood. She was
sexually abused by an adult male. As such, all these years later, she resents
that aspect of sex. She has gone to counseling, but it hasn't seemed to help her at all. Don’t get me wrong, she loves intercourse as long as long
as she doesn’t need to do anything. As I have become older, I don’t respond as I did
when I was 20. This is now becoming a problem. Yes, we have chatted many times,
but now it just what it is....
- Not
Hard As I Once Was
Not Hard,
When I very first started began seeing male clients, my supervisor commented that the best thing for one of my (very) sexually preoccupied clients was just to get older. When I inquired what that meant he explained just how normal your condition is. After age 40, a man can expect his testosterone levels to drop by 1% each year. Testosterone has many effects on the male body, most famously, however, is sex drive. "How low is too low" when it comes to testosterone and andropause is still being debated in the medical community. I wouldn't worry about what is natural to your body getting older. I tend to believe that pharmaceutical companies tend to medicalize normal body rhythms for the hope of making money. Instead, NH, why not embrace what lessons this season of life is trying to teach?
My Human Sexuality professor was a couples' counselor in private practice. He explained that much of his clientele was older. Changing bodies inevitably bring about sexual transitions and force many couples to confront whatever intimacy problems have been underlying and un-discussed for years. His primary examples were from the work he had done with an older heterosexual couple; the male had been sexually abused as a child.
So this "problem" you're describing sounds exceptionally "normal," given your set of circumstances. I am glad that you and your wife have talked because communication is the only method that will work to solving this thing. There is a way to be honest and respectful about your needs. I encourage you to state plainly what you need to enjoy your sex life again. Your wife may not know how to do the same. When you say, "as long as she doesn't need to do anything," it makes me wonder if she is disassociating during sex. In that case, she may not know what she wants from sex. Disassociation is just a fancy psychology term for spacing out - hard. Its a defense many victims of trauma use to mentally escape. Your wife may experience intercourse as enjoyable but is unable to stay present and engaged in the moment. This poses a huge barrier to connecting and being intimate. I don't blame you for struggling to stay aroused as sex has likely has become somewhat of a chore for you at this point. Your lowering testosterone is an opportunity for you to finally confront this issue as a couple.
So what can be done? Yes, chatting with your wife. Yes, you being honest about how this has become a problem for you. Also, be willing to get creative! If you know there are things she does not want to do, perhaps there are other things you haven't thought of yet to try? Sexy movies, sexy outfits, sex toys?!
For her? Maybe trying counseling again. I know that might sound silly given the fact that she has already tried it. What I try to encourage people towards when choosing a therapist, however, is to be shrewd consumers. Just because someone has the diploma on the wall does not mean they are the right person to guide you to wellness. What makes choosing the right therapist so tough is that counseling is inherently abstract - there is not a perfect prescription medication and no way to X-ray a visual of the problem. When something goes wrong with our bodies we see a doctor that specializes in that issue and they have been trained to issue a specific treatment. Therapy works similarly, you should see someone with training and experience with the problems you are working on. Psychological issues, however, are so much more incredibly nuanced than medical ones. As human beings, our experiences are infinitely unique. Perhaps your wife saw someone who specialized in childhood trauma, but if they never addressed your married sex life in therapy... Well, that would be like going to a dental hygienist for toe nail fungus simply because they have experience cleaning in hard to reach places. Does that make sense?
You two should find someone experienced in helping couples cultivate sexual intimacy within their relationship. Be clear with your potential counselors that the goal of therapy visits is for your wife to develop comfort with sex acts that will keep you aroused. Do not stop looking until you find someone you feel comfortable working on that with. Keep looking for the right help. Keep talking about your needs. Keep fighting for your happiness.
So this "problem" you're describing sounds exceptionally "normal," given your set of circumstances. I am glad that you and your wife have talked because communication is the only method that will work to solving this thing. There is a way to be honest and respectful about your needs. I encourage you to state plainly what you need to enjoy your sex life again. Your wife may not know how to do the same. When you say, "as long as she doesn't need to do anything," it makes me wonder if she is disassociating during sex. In that case, she may not know what she wants from sex. Disassociation is just a fancy psychology term for spacing out - hard. Its a defense many victims of trauma use to mentally escape. Your wife may experience intercourse as enjoyable but is unable to stay present and engaged in the moment. This poses a huge barrier to connecting and being intimate. I don't blame you for struggling to stay aroused as sex has likely has become somewhat of a chore for you at this point. Your lowering testosterone is an opportunity for you to finally confront this issue as a couple.
So what can be done? Yes, chatting with your wife. Yes, you being honest about how this has become a problem for you. Also, be willing to get creative! If you know there are things she does not want to do, perhaps there are other things you haven't thought of yet to try? Sexy movies, sexy outfits, sex toys?!
For her? Maybe trying counseling again. I know that might sound silly given the fact that she has already tried it. What I try to encourage people towards when choosing a therapist, however, is to be shrewd consumers. Just because someone has the diploma on the wall does not mean they are the right person to guide you to wellness. What makes choosing the right therapist so tough is that counseling is inherently abstract - there is not a perfect prescription medication and no way to X-ray a visual of the problem. When something goes wrong with our bodies we see a doctor that specializes in that issue and they have been trained to issue a specific treatment. Therapy works similarly, you should see someone with training and experience with the problems you are working on. Psychological issues, however, are so much more incredibly nuanced than medical ones. As human beings, our experiences are infinitely unique. Perhaps your wife saw someone who specialized in childhood trauma, but if they never addressed your married sex life in therapy... Well, that would be like going to a dental hygienist for toe nail fungus simply because they have experience cleaning in hard to reach places. Does that make sense?
You two should find someone experienced in helping couples cultivate sexual intimacy within their relationship. Be clear with your potential counselors that the goal of therapy visits is for your wife to develop comfort with sex acts that will keep you aroused. Do not stop looking until you find someone you feel comfortable working on that with. Keep looking for the right help. Keep talking about your needs. Keep fighting for your happiness.
Best wishes,
- The Sexpert
- The Sexpert
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