What Are We Talking About When We Say Sex?

The language that we use when we talk about sex is important. 

Oftentimes, our introduction to sex, be it a formal "Sex Ed." class in school or having "The Talk" with our parents may still have implemented language that was less than clear.  "The Birds and The Bees," "You Know What," and "Do It," do not explain too much to inquiring minds and leaves room for imagination.  Sexual education that separated the boys from the girls based on their bodies relied on the gender binary as a classroom tool.  Abstinence-Only discussions can impress upon tender minds sex-negative attitudes.  Discussion of sexual encounters tend to be heteronormative and emphasis on diseases leaves impressionable youth afraid. 

And yet, our sexual beings are complex and comprised of numerous factors.  Here are a few:

* body image - how we feel about the way we look
*fantasy - what we dream about when we dream about sex
*sexual self-esteem - how we feel about our adequacy, desirability, and worth in our sexual relationships
*intimacy and relationships - the emotional space we share with other important people
*sexual identity - the chosen words we have used to describe our sexual orientations or gender
* sex education - the messages and lessons we have been taught about sex (reading this blog counts!)
*Unwanted experiences - while often painful to ruminate on, they shape our emotional landscape, and clarify for us what it is we are NOT looking for
*Out of control sexual behavior - important to reflect on to gain insight into oneself or to set improved boundaries around

All of the above will influence your feelings, values, and attitudes about sex

When we share language with a group of people, it makes clear communication easier.  Oftentimes, due to the use of slang, certain words may hold different meanings to different people.  How can we ensure that the words we are using do not provoke shame or are experienced as triggering to others?  How we choose to talk about sex may signal to others whether or not you are a sex-positive person.  Being sex-positive means that you believe consensual, safe, sexual behaviors are something to be celebrated as a source of pleasure and well-being to human beings.  Sex-negative language are words and phrases that perpetuate the stigma that sexuality is shameful, taboo, or somehow inherently dangerous.

Even bodily anatomy is often the subject of being called slang words, especially sexual body parts.  This can be the source of miscommunication, confusion, or undue shame if one person is not accurately receiving the message someone else is trying to relay.  When sexual partners are attempting to have delicate and nuanced conversations to negotiate boundaries and express likes and dislikes to one another - could there be a more important time for clear communication?  Even well meaning people often use the word 'vagina' when, in fact, they are referring to a 'vulva.'  Do you know the difference?  The vagina literally refers to the birth canal while a vulva is the external portion of the organ.  I even learned that 'penis' and 'vagina,' while the formal terms for genitals in English, actually have their origin in Latin slang terms!  They once meant 'sword' and 'sheath.'

Language takes on particular importance when we discuss the LGBTQIA community.  When I began studying sexual health in 2012, the accepted acronym for this community was GLBT.  The evolution in language in this community speaks for itself in terms of its importance. 
*Lesbian - women who desire women
*Gay - men who desire men
*Bi - individuals who desire both men and women
*Trans - individuals who don't identify with the gender their biological sex indicates
*Queer - a blanket term for all of the above in any way, shape, or form.  Questioning (also encompassed by the 'Q') are those who are on a journey to discover in what ways they do not adhere to the gender binary or heteronormativity. 
*Intersex - those born with ambiguous genitalia
*Asexual - those with little interest to no interest in sexual behavior or perhaps limited interest in very particular situations

The way someone chooses to sexually identify is fluid over their lifetime.  Paying attention to shifts in the way you identify can be important to understanding yourself and what factors influence your sexuality.  Experience doesn't dictate identity.  No one is bound to continue forward in the same direction just because that was the way they were travelling in their past.  

When we use the word gender we are not referring to the way someone's body looks.  Rather, we are referring to the social constructs of masculinity and femininity.  When one wishes to embody femininity they may identify as a woman and the same is true for masculinity and men.  When individuals posses the body parts traditionally associated with these constructs, they are called cis-gendered.   Conversely, when one changes genders or acts in an effort to be recognized as a gender that doesn't traditionally match their body, they are called trans-gendered.  Still others do not identify with either gender.  They may be non-gendered, non-binary, or gender fluid.  These presentations may embody gender-neutral, androgyny, or moving between masculine and feminine at will.   

The Gender Unicorn helps us make sense of some of this terminology.  Gender identity is how one feels inside.  Gender expression is how they chose to communicate their gender; perhaps through appearance or behavior.  Did you notice sexual attraction and emotional attraction are separate?  I find this distinction important because not everyone who can turn our heads while we pass on the street is the same person we want to share a bowl of spaghetti with (Lady and the Tramp style).

There are many myths that surround trans identity that confound efforts to genuinely understand trans folks' experiences.  That confusion can add undue stress to trans people's lives or translate to a barrier to services. 

#1 - That only once a trans person appears indistinguishable from a cis person, does their chosen gender become valid.  If someone chooses a gender, they deserve to have that part of themselves honored and recognized.

#2 - Being transgender is a mental illness.  Truth is, it is not, however, gender dysphoria is.  Dysphoria is the pain of disliking one's own body because it doesn't represent your gender well to others.  Most trans people understand very well what sorts of medical or psychological treatment they feel would be helpful to them in managing the various aspects of their transition.  Not every trans person has dysphoria; being trans is not synonymous with suffering.

#3 - It is dangerous for children to medically transition because they may regret it.  Irreversible measures taken to transition are only accomplished through gender affirming surgeries.  These are not given to children.  Further, globally, less than 1% of individuals who identify as trans ever reverse their decision.

There is some language in the kink community that, frankly, could be applied to any walk of life.  

*Senate Focus: the mental inventory of biological functions as it relates to sexual and emotional stimulation.  Anyone with a mindfulness practice could choose to apply it to their sexual experiences.  It is the conscious effort to be fully present and engaged in sexual experiences; noticing sensations and their full impact.

*Scene Prep: Preparing for a sexual encounter both physically and emotionally.  Where do you want to be?  What is the mood one wishes to set?  What objects contribute to the ambiance or need to be on hand?

*Aftercare: The effort to take care of oneself or a partner after experiencing something difficult.  This could look like setting/discussing boundaries, ongoing consent (ie. "How was that?" or "Would you like to do it again?"), or simply cuddling.  

Having correct information helps us navigate sexuality with a little more ease.  Sexuality is an area of life that is inexorably tied to our emotions.  Using correct language helps us avoid coded language that has the potential to trigger others in ways we do not intend.  Knowing how to speak about sexuality clearly can help individuals approach sexuality planfully and seek accountability when needed.  Having a robust understanding of sexual diversity gives us options of how to identify and communicate our identities to others.   An understanding of our options can create insight into our selves.  It also gives us the tools we need to adequately know with confidence if we are sexually healthy and living authentically.