How to Make Sex Safer
Safer Sex. You may remember I recently wrote about the importance of sexual terminology. When I was a student of my high school health class, I heard a lot about "safe" sex. We even utilized the slogan, "safe sex is great sex." So why do I insist we say "safer"? Safe is an absolute term and can produce a false sense of security. There is an inherent risk involved in any sexual contact, however, we will be discussing what one can do to mitigate the risk. "Safer" sex acknowledges that sometimes barriers break, birth control fails, and feelings get hurt - even when this was not what we planned or intended. Further, "safe" may promote sexual negativity or shame. People make decisions about what precautions they wish to take during sex for all sorts of reasons. This means there is no binary of "safe" and "unsafe" (right and wrong).
There is both physical and mental/emotional safety to plan for when anticipating a new sexual relationship. Regarding physical safety, we are referring to such things as: STI status of self and of partners, safer sex materials (such as barrier methods), the environment in which one chooses to be sexual, access to personal lubricant, what products should be present for aftercare (blankets, water, etc.). Regarding mental/emotional safety we are referring to such things as: emotional connection to partners, reduction or elimination of triggers, the ability to understand all factors of the situation, knowledge of one's own mental and emotional health going into a sexual encounter, and plans for aftercare (cuddles, conversations, check-in, etc.).
Speaking of sexual negativity... the stigma around STI can prevent some from being tested, it can prevent doctors from wanting to offer tests, and can prevent some from being honest about their status. In all honesty, human beings contract all sorts of infections in all sorts of places all the time! Why is being tested for an STI any different than stopping in for a strep test? Not all STI's can be cured but they all can be treated.
The stigma sometimes plays a role in how we talk to partners about STI status. Something I hear many young people say they wouldn't want to be sexual with someone if they knew that that person had EVER had an STI. Those same young people wouldn't think twice about kissing someone on the mouth who had taken medication for strep throat several years ago.
Rather than burdening a potential sexual partner with one's entire STI history, what are the important things we should use our time to talk about? First and foremost are firm boundaries. What safer sex protocols are you NOT willing to be flexible about? Which ones are you willing to negotiate? How safe do you feel having these discussions? If someone is pushing your boundaries, do you have a safe route to leave? Do you have adequate support (say, a ride home) to leave if you need it? Such questions are at the very foundation of SAFETY as it relates to sexual health.
Perhaps there are questions you could ask yourself before attempting to discuss all of these things with a partner. Checking in with one's own emotions is important. Are there aspects of sexual behavior or beginning a new sexual relationship you anticipate will be emotionally challenging? Are you aware of what triggers may be present in a sexual encounter as they relate to your trauma history? Maybe there are mental health or sobriety concerns to consider while preparing to have sex. What factors could serve to make communication more difficult for you.
The above graphic, from The Equality Institute, are some wonderful suggestions for how to respond when hearing or observing red and yellow lights from a partner. Others have set the boundaries they have set for a reason! Its on the receiver to accept such boundaries gracefully.
What products help us stay physically safe during sexual activity? Barriers, lubricants, and medications.
Barriers are things like condoms, dental dams, receptive (female) condoms, and gloves. These items create a physical shield against fluid, friction, or skin to skin contact. They are important in the prevention against the spread of STI's as fluid, friction, or skin to skin contact is exactly how STI's are spread.
Regarding condoms it is helpful to remember that how one would know if a bag of chips were safe to eat is similar to how one knows if a condom is safe to use. Is there still a little bit of air in the bag? What does the expiration date say? Can you open it without damaging its contents? Can you make sure it doesn't get left somewhere that will damage it?
Dental dams are most often made of latex or nitrile and are a thin square sheet of material one places between mouth and genitals during oral sex. They are less commonly accessible and less commonly used. This is because it isn't as easy to pass along STI's through oral contact, especially from a vulva. Nevertheless, if oral sex is a desired activity between people where skin to skin contact may be an issue, it is reassuring to know there is an option for safety!
What is commonly referred to as a female condom is better named a receptive condom. This is because anybody's body could wear this condom anally. These condoms are made of nitrile and can be inserted prior to sexual contact. Again, they are less common and less accessible but they gained notoriety for preventing STI's in populations where male condom use was difficult to negotiate. For example, parts of Africa where AIDS was an epidemic and sex workers have found these to be important to their safety.
Latex or nitrile gloves are easily accessible but less commonly used as a barrier during sex. They are, however, a reassuring option if someone is concerned an STI could be passed through skin to skin contact. Also, in general, if someone has sensitive skin, they can reduce the spread of .. whatever... that could become an irritant and friction in general.
Lubricant is the most common (and easily accessible) safer sex product used to reduce unwanted friction; typically, this is done as a pleasure enhancing measure. In trying to prevent the spread of HIV passed through blood, lubricant (and even chapstick!) is important to reduce and prevent the micro tares in the skin where blood could pass in or out. Lubricants can get pretty tricky because different ingredients can react to different ingredients in barriers or toys. For example, oil based lube could irritate sensitive skin and will break a latex barrier. Water based lube and latex are ingredients people have been known to be allergic to. Silicone based lube is more expensive but can have poor reaction to silicone toys. If it gets too confusing, it is important to know who to ask. One of the best lube resources in the US is The Smitten Kitten. All of their staff is both a sales associate and a sex educator, meaning, they are pleased to increase your knowledge and answer your questions.
Someone who has an STI that cannot be cured but is responsible to disclose it, discuss it with partners, and manage it, is a safer sex partner than the person who refuses to be tested but "thinks everything is fine." The truth is, not all STI's are symptomatic but the sooner they are found out, the less chance there is that further health problems will develop in your body because of them. The best time to be tested is two weeks after a sexual encounter with a new partner. Every new partner. Results may take a week to get back and some specific STI tests may require that you specifically request that they be performed.
When making the decision to have sex with a partner that has an STI, discussing medication may be at the forefront of safer sex protocols. Pre-Exposure Prophilaxis or PREP is one such medication used to prevent HIV. It lowers the risk one with contract HIV from a partner through sexual contact by 90%! Someone on PREP has to check in with their healthcare provider every three months. The CDC can tell you most of anything else you could think to ask about PREP.
Valacyclovir or Valtrex is the drug used to end or prevent outbreaks caused by HSV-I or HSV-II. If taken daily, it can prevent one from EVER being contagious.
Post-Exposure Prophilaxis (PEP) is another HIV preventative medication. This is meant to be taken within 72 hours of when one may have been exposed to HIV. The sooner one takes PEP after exposure, the better it will work.
For more information about safer sex (including birth control methods), Planned Parenthood's website is unmatched for the depth of information you can find. To learn and think more about how relationship dynamics, conversation, and life in general impact all of this, http://www.itsyoursexlife.com/ is a great resource.
There is both physical and mental/emotional safety to plan for when anticipating a new sexual relationship. Regarding physical safety, we are referring to such things as: STI status of self and of partners, safer sex materials (such as barrier methods), the environment in which one chooses to be sexual, access to personal lubricant, what products should be present for aftercare (blankets, water, etc.). Regarding mental/emotional safety we are referring to such things as: emotional connection to partners, reduction or elimination of triggers, the ability to understand all factors of the situation, knowledge of one's own mental and emotional health going into a sexual encounter, and plans for aftercare (cuddles, conversations, check-in, etc.).
Speaking of sexual negativity... the stigma around STI can prevent some from being tested, it can prevent doctors from wanting to offer tests, and can prevent some from being honest about their status. In all honesty, human beings contract all sorts of infections in all sorts of places all the time! Why is being tested for an STI any different than stopping in for a strep test? Not all STI's can be cured but they all can be treated.
The stigma sometimes plays a role in how we talk to partners about STI status. Something I hear many young people say they wouldn't want to be sexual with someone if they knew that that person had EVER had an STI. Those same young people wouldn't think twice about kissing someone on the mouth who had taken medication for strep throat several years ago.
Rather than burdening a potential sexual partner with one's entire STI history, what are the important things we should use our time to talk about? First and foremost are firm boundaries. What safer sex protocols are you NOT willing to be flexible about? Which ones are you willing to negotiate? How safe do you feel having these discussions? If someone is pushing your boundaries, do you have a safe route to leave? Do you have adequate support (say, a ride home) to leave if you need it? Such questions are at the very foundation of SAFETY as it relates to sexual health.
Perhaps there are questions you could ask yourself before attempting to discuss all of these things with a partner. Checking in with one's own emotions is important. Are there aspects of sexual behavior or beginning a new sexual relationship you anticipate will be emotionally challenging? Are you aware of what triggers may be present in a sexual encounter as they relate to your trauma history? Maybe there are mental health or sobriety concerns to consider while preparing to have sex. What factors could serve to make communication more difficult for you.
The above graphic, from The Equality Institute, are some wonderful suggestions for how to respond when hearing or observing red and yellow lights from a partner. Others have set the boundaries they have set for a reason! Its on the receiver to accept such boundaries gracefully.
What products help us stay physically safe during sexual activity? Barriers, lubricants, and medications.
Barriers are things like condoms, dental dams, receptive (female) condoms, and gloves. These items create a physical shield against fluid, friction, or skin to skin contact. They are important in the prevention against the spread of STI's as fluid, friction, or skin to skin contact is exactly how STI's are spread.
Regarding condoms it is helpful to remember that how one would know if a bag of chips were safe to eat is similar to how one knows if a condom is safe to use. Is there still a little bit of air in the bag? What does the expiration date say? Can you open it without damaging its contents? Can you make sure it doesn't get left somewhere that will damage it?
Dental dams are most often made of latex or nitrile and are a thin square sheet of material one places between mouth and genitals during oral sex. They are less commonly accessible and less commonly used. This is because it isn't as easy to pass along STI's through oral contact, especially from a vulva. Nevertheless, if oral sex is a desired activity between people where skin to skin contact may be an issue, it is reassuring to know there is an option for safety!
What is commonly referred to as a female condom is better named a receptive condom. This is because anybody's body could wear this condom anally. These condoms are made of nitrile and can be inserted prior to sexual contact. Again, they are less common and less accessible but they gained notoriety for preventing STI's in populations where male condom use was difficult to negotiate. For example, parts of Africa where AIDS was an epidemic and sex workers have found these to be important to their safety.
Latex or nitrile gloves are easily accessible but less commonly used as a barrier during sex. They are, however, a reassuring option if someone is concerned an STI could be passed through skin to skin contact. Also, in general, if someone has sensitive skin, they can reduce the spread of .. whatever... that could become an irritant and friction in general.
Lubricant is the most common (and easily accessible) safer sex product used to reduce unwanted friction; typically, this is done as a pleasure enhancing measure. In trying to prevent the spread of HIV passed through blood, lubricant (and even chapstick!) is important to reduce and prevent the micro tares in the skin where blood could pass in or out. Lubricants can get pretty tricky because different ingredients can react to different ingredients in barriers or toys. For example, oil based lube could irritate sensitive skin and will break a latex barrier. Water based lube and latex are ingredients people have been known to be allergic to. Silicone based lube is more expensive but can have poor reaction to silicone toys. If it gets too confusing, it is important to know who to ask. One of the best lube resources in the US is The Smitten Kitten. All of their staff is both a sales associate and a sex educator, meaning, they are pleased to increase your knowledge and answer your questions.
Someone who has an STI that cannot be cured but is responsible to disclose it, discuss it with partners, and manage it, is a safer sex partner than the person who refuses to be tested but "thinks everything is fine." The truth is, not all STI's are symptomatic but the sooner they are found out, the less chance there is that further health problems will develop in your body because of them. The best time to be tested is two weeks after a sexual encounter with a new partner. Every new partner. Results may take a week to get back and some specific STI tests may require that you specifically request that they be performed.
When making the decision to have sex with a partner that has an STI, discussing medication may be at the forefront of safer sex protocols. Pre-Exposure Prophilaxis or PREP is one such medication used to prevent HIV. It lowers the risk one with contract HIV from a partner through sexual contact by 90%! Someone on PREP has to check in with their healthcare provider every three months. The CDC can tell you most of anything else you could think to ask about PREP.
Valacyclovir or Valtrex is the drug used to end or prevent outbreaks caused by HSV-I or HSV-II. If taken daily, it can prevent one from EVER being contagious.
Post-Exposure Prophilaxis (PEP) is another HIV preventative medication. This is meant to be taken within 72 hours of when one may have been exposed to HIV. The sooner one takes PEP after exposure, the better it will work.
For more information about safer sex (including birth control methods), Planned Parenthood's website is unmatched for the depth of information you can find. To learn and think more about how relationship dynamics, conversation, and life in general impact all of this, http://www.itsyoursexlife.com/ is a great resource.
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