Shifting Your Sexual Identity

Something that I find tragic is that the brain's own wiring creates a human being's predisposition to be prejudiced.  The brain is primed to feel alarmed in situations that are likely to be unpredictable which means that a primary function of your brain is to rely on past experiences to assist in predicting future experiences.  Sometimes this works out just great or is indispensable to development; think, a toddler grows into an elementary aged child that eventually becomes comfortable at the babysitter's house because they have learned, "Mom always comes back!"  This means, however, that our brain is categorizing things and when we hear an explanation that doesn't fit into an established category or we witness behavior that goes against the grain of our programming, we can write it off as "a threat" without much thought.  "A threat," as I use it here, is a broad explanation for what can also look like stigma, "morally wrong," or called "gross."

 

This is why it is important for us to evaluate and re-evaluate our original lessons about sex.  Were these talks within our family growing up?  Perhaps a Sex Ed. class in school?  For some, it is the media, religion, or past partners that delivered an introduction to sexuality.  Ever so often someone will tell me, "No one talked to me about sex at all."  Well, that is a powerful message in itself!  This may mean one learned that sex was too taboo, too unspeakable, too shameful to even acknowledge.  The simple unfamiliarity of having sex as the topic of conversation can feel overwhelming to someone who shares this experience.

A definition for Sex Negativity is, "The belief that some or all of human sexual activity is intrinsically harmful, immoral, distasteful, or that it is only appropriate in the context of marriage, or for the purpose of procreation (from the book Partners in Passion)."   If this is how one views sex in general, shame may infiltrate some or all of their sexual identity.  Sexual identity is a dynamic concept comprised of things like body image, fantasy life, sexual orientation, and the intimacy within our relationships.  Shame can make questioning or exploring shifts in our sexual identity extremely difficult.  Our culture is primed to reinforce this shame due to stigma or the "threat" of hearing that someone isn't 100% sure what category they belong to.  It is a tough space to inhabit when our culture's labels don't fit our sexual identity just right.

Sexual negativity or shame can also make important conversations about sex difficult.  As a culture, we lean on innuendos to get us through.  What comes to mind if I say, "they hooked up"?  What about when I say, "They were intimate"?  Intentionally ambiguous language can damage one's confidence when asking for what they want from their partner.  It can inhibit boundary setting or even make reporting sexual crimes confusing or impossible! 

Sex Positivity is a radical shift away from shame.  It is defined by, "The celebration and embrace of consensual human sexual expression."

By internalizing the concept of sex positivity into our lives, it can make the work of shifting a sexual identity less scary.  It is important work, as anyone who is on the other side of that work can attest to, sex can become much more rewarding.  Why might someone find themselves questioning their sexual identity to begin with?

It isn't uncommon for someone in recovery from a mental health disorder, crisis, or addiction.  Someone doing the hard work of reclaiming control of their emotional well-being may be faced to examine parts of their personal history, including sexual history.  This may bring about realizations, questions, and require reflection for this individual.  How much easier is it to do this work without shame pulling us one step back every time we take a step forward?

Throughout this process, sex positivity can inspire honesty with one's self.  This is important as one begins to harness the powerful self-care tool masturbation can be.  Masturbation can reveal to us important facets of our sexual identities and make it that much easier to share it with our partners.  It is easier to tell someone else what brings your body pleasure once you have already discovered it on your own.  Sex positivity can make it easier to be honest in conversations when we are creating guidelines and communicating expectations for ourselves and our partners. 

The key word in our definition of 'Sex Positive' is "consensual," and having shame-free positive experiences makes consent easier too.  It creates space for both enthusiastic and ongoing consent.  Especially when it comes to the idea of ongoing consent, I often hear the question, "Won't that be awkward or weird?"  Where does that question come from?  The fear that one will appear insecure, uncertain, or that they lack confidence during a sexual encounter.  This is a shame-based fear.   I often remind people that consent during a sexual encounter can sound similar to "dirty talk" and enhance the experience for both partners.  With how prevalent statistics tell us that sexting is, you think partners would be all too eager to check-in during an encounter to ensure what they were doing was wanted. 

What about what isn't wanted?  Using tools such as the Sexual Health Road Map or a Yes/No/Maybe list, can give one confidence about when and where to say 'No.'  Saying no doesn't come easy for all people but it can become easier when one has thought ahead of time, before experiencing the tension and pressure in the moment, of when exactly they want and need to use the word No.  To complete a sexual health road map (developed by Laura Rademacher), you create four categories: YES, MAYBE, TRIGGERS, and NO's.  Yes = things we know we enjoy that we want to do again or sexual goals.  Maybe = Thought about it and have some interest in trying it.  Triggers = things that are not ideal that could lead to an increase in urges towards problem behaviors.  No = things we know we do not like that we wish to avoid. 

This self-reflection tool can aide in one's preparation for safety.  I think 'Maybe' and 'Trigger' columns especially are enhanced by asking one's self further questions about safety.  For example, when is it safe to try new things and when is it not?  If triggered, how and what type of care do you require for things not to get worse?  If you need to exit a situation quickly, is there a plan in place to do so?

The honest communication that sex positivity facilitates can be crucial to the health of a long-term relationship.  Just as performing routine maintenance on a vehicle ensures it won't be breaking down on the side of the road, so can performing routine check-in conversations with a long-term partner.  Sharing a Yes/No/Maybe list with them can open up a pathway to discuss if both of your sexual needs are being met, can they be met, and does any of this reflect a shift in sexual identity?

Most importantly, when things get difficult, remember what resources you have at your disposal.  What trusted members of your community, loved ones, or therapists can you talk to?  What self-care can you engage in, bath bombs, and otherwise?  When feeling like you have a lack of information on a topic, what reliable sexual education sources can you turn to?  It is so important to our sexual well-being to check-in with ourselves and our partners about how your brain and body are communicating to one another during and about sex.